No control.

I was at a point in my life where it couldn't get worse. I hit the ground. I thought tour was bad, but when I lost C. I thought I couldn't keep living on.

I have been so hurt. But I can forgive. Sometimes, we have to take a lot of pain for what we really want. That's what I do. Or try. I want us to be fine together. I want to trust him. But I can't. Not at this point.

He's trying. He's trying for me a lot. He makes the effort. So much.

I'm so in love. When I'm with him. But when I'm not, all I feel is anxiety. As soon as he leaves me, my palms go wet. My heart starts beating too fast again. My mind thinks too much. 

He won't contact again. He won't contact. 

Until he does. Hopefully. And then it goes all over again. I feel like a fool. I feel so needy. And so very weak. I need time with him. I want time with him. But it's very precious and rare. 

People say, give it time. You will get there. Time. Really? Is time the solution for everything? To get this under control? 

I feel like we are living seperate lives. It's an awful feeling. I don't want seperate lives. Do I simply have to accept this? I just want us to be okay and happy together. We just spent eight months apart. I feel we first have to fit back together as a couple before we can stand more seperation. 

But it's the precious moments I get with him that makes my heart stop for a second, puts my breath on hold and leaves my endorphines all over the place. It's pure happiness. It's a feeling I haven't had for such a long time. And I wish I could keep it during the time he's not with me. But I can't. For some reason. I have to learn this.

I hate this life more than anything. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I do it for him. All I want is him in my life and I need to be strong enough to live this. 

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I just need to calm down. I just need time. Fix me back together. And let us come out the other end stronger as a couple. So much stronger.

I didn't give us up during the whole time. And apparently, he didn't either. I need to be strong now and get my head straight. I want this to work. More than anything.

No, life's not a fairy tale. Fairy tales end happy. I already came to that conclusion. Life's not always happy and cheery. It has its ups and downs. For everyone. And I'm just crawling off a massive hole. It will take time, a lot of effort and power to get out of it. But I have to and I won't give up. I will be fine. For him. I will keep trying. I will get my trust back, hopefully. I will calm down.