I'm so torn!

There's this antagonism in my life. I'm torn between the hot love I feel for him and the itching hate I have sometimes. No, I don't apologize anymore for sounding harsh or unfair. That's just the way life goes. Life's never fair is it? Not to me, anyways. 

I still love him more than anything in the world. And I'm afraid I always will, whatever he's going to do. But sometimes, this feeling goes deep down and I get so upset about things. That he doesn't text. That he doesn't let me know what's happening. That I never know when I'll actually see him next. That he never tells me anything important. I'm fed up with it. 

The other day I was thinking proudly, wow I am getting further. I am making little steps. Today, I'm thinking again this ain't gonna work. As much as I want it, it won't work. Do I expect too much? Am I always over reacting? I truly don't know. I just wanna hear from him, be able to speak to him, be part of his life and him being part of mine.

Now again, I haven't properly spoken to him in, what is it, fourish weeks? I might do little steps for a while, feeling alright, sometimes even happy, but then – boom! – it just hits me in the face and I'm back all the way I just came. 

As much as I want it to work, I'm afraid it won't. I know he loves me, more than anything, I know very often he just doesn't show it. But is all that enough? I'm thinking of him every second he's not here, but at times like this, I just get upset and teary-eyed. 

I'm 21, I shouldn't be living like that. In around nine months, I will finish my apprenticeship. The world's open for me then. Everything that keeps me here is him. And he's hardly around anyways. I will have to pull myself together and think about where I really wanna go, even when it contains missing him even more. 

I love him so much, but at the moment I hate him for doing this to me. He's not doing any of this on purpose, no, but I'm sick of excuses. And no, I'm not sorry to say all this. He doesn't show me he appreciates what I did and do. I'm really not expecting much. I did a hell of a lot for him, and I actually expect something back, yes. 

No, life's not fair. In fact, life's a bitch. You can be all kind and nice and give all sacrifices for just this one person you think who's worth it and then all you get is a huge kick in the arse for all your pain and hard work. 

Thank you! I'm not feeling well, but I will get back on my feet in a bit. It might not be today, not tomorrow, but maybe the day after.

Today, a year ago...

We shouldn't dwell on the past. We can't change what happened. But in my eyes, the past makes us who we are. So yes, we should spend some time thinking about the past and about how we would have done things differently or exactly the same we did them.

I was just wandering along in the sunset of a warm summer saturday, when I was thinking that one year ago, I just started to get close with C. I remember that we met again, and really wanted to spend time with each other, when the army called him away for a two weeks exercise to prepare for his afghan deployment. I decided to flicker through my old text messages on my phone. Oh my. Tell me emotional, but yes I started crying. 

A year ago, I had no idea of how much pain would lie in front of me. How much strength I still had to gain. I simply had no clue what it meant to wait these two weeks for him. What it meant to let this happen. How many sacrifices all this would bring. It was simply these two weeks. I waited for C. to get back, and then I had no choice. I already fell for him. If I knew what this first kiss meant, what it was taking, how it turned my life upside down... I'm not saying I regret it. Not at all. But I might of pulled myself together and walked away from him when it was early enough. 

It sounds harsh? Yes. I faced the fears of my life so far already. But then, when I think who I was a year ago, I could not be more grateful that I fell for this man. Not just this deployment and this way of living, but mainly him, his love, and the way we share our feelings make me a better person. Not simply a better woman. But I know I can grow all the strength I need, when I need it. I might not be strong all the time, but when I fall, I get up. 

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

I learned who my friends are. I learned to be able to enjoy time on my own. To get up and do things when I really don't feel like. To open up to people who understand. To take advice. Accepting things I can't change and change the ones I can. 

I learned not to trust anyone. I learned to grow back trust when it's earned. Which is a long long process. Getting back faith when there's no hope left. 

I learned what missing someone means. Really. Our good-byes don't just last till tomorrow. But then, I learned that I love C. more than I could ever miss him. 

Deployments separate the girls from the women. Love can be deployment-proved. But there are not many. 

A year ago, I was a completely different person, woman, friend, daughter, girlfriend, mate, colleague, grandchild, niece, cousin, judoka, designer. I am more self-confident. I do things my way, even when everyone else thinks it's stupid, silly, wrong. It's my way and I do it how I want it. It's my life. I'm 21 now, and I think I learned more in one year than some people learn in their whole lives. WIthout sounding snotty.

I don't wanna be who I was a year ago. I had a year full of pain and sacrifices, tears, screams, wandering minds, horrible imaginations. But then I had a year of amazing feelings not many people are able to have, I experience a true unconditional love that wouldn't be possible without all these scary things.

Yes we can!

I’m always thinking of the things I can’t do. I’m not able to do. But I never see the things I 

actually can do. The things that make me who I am. Make me stronger. Maybe wiser. 

Act the way I do. Treat the people different than I did before. 

Unfortunately, the things that make you a better person are always the things you think you 

can’t survive. They never happen without pain. Mostly mental pain. I just start realizing that. 

People always said “it will be worth it”. He will be worth the wait. But it’s not just him being 

worth it all. Through all this pain, I apparently really turn out to be who I truly am. These 
scary experiences make me the woman I am today. And I haven’t reached my destination 
yet and probably won’t until I lived my life till the very last day. They say the way is the 
destination.

There’s many things I’m not able to do, or at least I think I am not, yeah. But there’s equally 

as many things I absolutely can do:

FIRST Afghan

I am with a guy for around four weeks and he deploys to Afghan for six months. He doesn’t 

keep in touch on a regular basis, but I keep writing to him at least once a day. My love to 

him grew with every day he’s been gone to this war zone. I went seven whole weeks 

without a single word from him after five and a half months. I had doubts, yes, a hell of a 

lot. But deep inside, I had faith in him, me and out relationship. Six months turned out to be 

seven. I was able to give all these sacrifices and so much more after just four weeks of a 

relationship. This shows me how serious I am with him. 

SECOND The time behind Afghan

C. came back from Afghan over a month later than it was planned. I was unbelievably 

happy that we made it through. I saw him one night, possibly the happiest night in my life 

so far, and then he flew back home. And didn’t stay in touch. Possibly the worst time in my 

life so far. Five whole weeks I tried to understand what was happening. I couldn’t. Still, I am 

able to forgive him what he did to me and love him more than ever. 

THIRD A military relationship

Do something that not many have the courage to do. I do it every day. Simply being with 

a soldier. Or mostly, being apart. Not that I never wanted to run. Hell, I wanted it so often. 

But I couldn’t let go. Never. 

FOURTH Communication

Every time we are apart, communications are not easy. Not at all. Sometimes I don’t hear 

from him in days, even though he’s not in a war zone. I panicked a lot, but I feel I am getting 

a bit calmer now. And then I get a text saying “I miss you like mad”. 

FIFTH Separation

Majority of a military relationship. Sadly. But truly. I am with C. now for nearly a year. The 

time we spent together I can count on one hand. Seven months apart due to Afghan. 

Another month apart after Afghan. Another month or so apart due to OP Olympics. Nine 

months so far. Not including the regular working weeks. I often wondered if a relationship 

is able to grow with so much time apart. I don’t know yet. But what I know is that I am so 

deeply in love with him that I am still trying.

I realize I never felt like this before. I realize this has to be something special.