I forgot how beautiful you are

I never thought it would find an end somewhere. After seven weeks I haven't spoken to him he seemed just as a fading illusion I had a long long time ago. No, he didn't seem realistic anymore. Has he been there once before he left? The border between reality and dream was suddenly scaring thin.

Yes he got back home. But I thought I lost him. The first days of RnR were worse than any experience I had during the whole tour. He spent them back in the UK and under the amount of pressure we both have been under the situation was not like I expected it to be. Well what would you expect when the love of your life gets back for just under two weeks from a war zone and prepares to go back out? I don't know. To be honest, I've lost the hope he would ever come back and see me in Germany. 

My mates have been telling me to leave him. Hardly anyone sticked to me and my feelings anymore. I couldn't speak to anyone, I locked myself away for days on end. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. How could I get him so wrong? It wasn't possible. It made no sense at all. Did I waste four whole months?

Follow your heart, and just your heart at all. Never let go what makes your life complete and perfect.


I couldn't be wrong for the past 21 weeks.


I didn't believe he was truly coming to see me until he wrapped his arms around me at the airport. To be honest, I've lost my hope. I never thought I ever would, but it's happened. But then he came and put the faith back into my heart. Yes, it's been extremely hard straight before RnR for different reasons.


But it's this first hug, this first kiss and the feeling of my heart finally being back in my chest that makes me realize now that my worries about him and me were senseless.

When he says to me "God, I forgot how beautiful you really are" or "I never missed you as much as the day before I will see you" gives me all the strength I need now to be able to do the last weeks until his deployment is over. It might have been just 4 days. It might just have been 96 precious hours. But it's been what I've been waiting for the past 21 weeks and yes it gives me my faith, my hope and my strength back. I lost my hope. But now I've got it back it's stronger than ever.





 

"Hang in there"

It’s well-known we can’t always speak to our soldiers when we want.  It’s hard, but we learn how to deal with it. But I am currently in a time he becomes silent. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month now. It sounds long, but it feels even longer.

To be honest, I can’t describe the feelings you have during such a time. It’s hard to find the right words. You don’t know whatever goes around his mind during the long time you haven’t spoken. It could have changed everything. You can never be entirely sure.

You waited nearly 18 weeks now, but it doesn’t feel as if it gets closer to the end. You lose control about things, you can’t handle some stuff and you don’t know how to deal with it. I remember when I said this is still the very beginning, and it feels I could still say it now. Even thou it shouldn’t be long until I’ll see him again. Shouldn’t I be happy? I suppose. But for some reason I can’t be. There are weird things going around in my head. No, I can’t get the words right.

I thought it was supposed to get better in time. But it gets worse. I can’t remember feeling that bad during the first couple of weeks. How can it get worse the closer you get to RnR? It doesn’t make sense. But what makes sense during a tour? Not very much. 

I’ve been told “hang in there”. I have no choice, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’ve been told “we’re all standing behind you, so you can’t take a step back”. I know I can’t. I have no choice. I won’t walk away after 18 weeks. But yeah, it is hard on me as well. I know our soldiers are fighting a war. But at least they know whenever they are alright. We don’t. Things might have changed. They might not have. I can’t be sure.

I’ve been told he will wonder as well. About me, about us. I don’t know.

“Hang in there”

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m sick of everything containing Afghan. I’m sick of the situation. I’m sick of not being able to talk. I can hardly keep all the pressure on my shoulders. I’ve been too strong for too long. I can’t get off this thing. And it makes me sick. Yes I’m angry. And I have a right to be angry. To be angry with me, to be angry with him. Even to be angry with Afghan, the country itself. I am so angry I’ve never been in my whole life.

But I haven’t wasted the past 18 weeks and will take a step back now. I might need one to have a better view about things though. But for now I am not gonna leave this hell.

“Hang in there”. I will. I promised and I will. 

Apologies

You are always waiting for just the tiniest bit of contact you can get. I haven't heard from C. in a good while now. Today I was just randomly checking my mails and I was surprised to see one of him. It always makes my heart skip a beat. I was so glad and happy I heard from him. However, this mail leaves me quite confused as well. He didn't stop apologizing for like half a page and left me with "I shouldn't have said what I said". Ah well, it would have been nice if you told me what you're on about!! To be honest, I have absolutely no idea why he thinks I am angry. Sometimes I really wish I could follow his chain of thoughts. He leaves me with a good bit of confusion but it makes me smile

Yeh, he sent me a mail with lots of apologies. I'm not just confused about what he apologizes. On the one hand I think he really has a hell of a lot to apology for. But on the other hand I wouldn't ever want him to apology for a single bit. 

I knew I wouldn't forget you

No one said it would be easy. I didn’t expect it to be easy. It gets better at times, but then it gets worse in exchange. 

I don’t stick to him because I am someone special who is made of tough stuff. No, I am for sure not born for this life. And I don’t think that anyone would ever be made for this. I am not tougher than others. Far from it! I am more scared about it than ever. You just learn to adjust. Because you have no choice. Well, you kinda have. You always have the choice to walk away. To leave the love of your life. Because he is an infantry soldier? It couldn’t have been true love when I decide to turn around just half way of our first tour and let him do this alone. Even though it would be the easiest way to walk away. I don’t feel loved or wanted. In fact, it’s exactly 23 days ago since I last spoke to him. 

I didn’t choose this life. 

It’s hard to focus on something with the constant change we experience. Once your heart can settle into some little routine, it’s again thrown out of it and all hopes are run over by a tank.
 

It’s been 16 ½ weeks since I last saw him. It’s been too long the last time I experienced the smell of his skin or the touch of his kiss. I don’t know what a hug feels like anymore.
 

Songs awake memories. Happy ones that make you sad and suffer even more. But you still listen to those songs. You need to keep the memories alive as much as you can, because they keep you through. As much as they cause pain, memories are building that bridge that you have to cross.
 

“Your sweet moonbeam

The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny”

As the saying goes “take each day at a time, one step after another”. Oh well. I wish I could. They speak about a six weeks course that will take part straight after tour. Just try and simply add six weeks, when your heart is focused on the month for him to come back?

Well. Don’t live the future when you haven’t survived the present yet. There are certain things you can’t change as much as you worry about them. You have to accept it. I am in that process, but it is not easy. I am a stubborn and ambitious person.

Yes, it would be the easiest for me to walk away.  

Every teardrop is a waterfall

I always tried to stay positive. But I can't always be the supportive brave woman I am supposed to be. No one can. 

I feel the tears burning into my skin whilst running down my cheeks. I hate crying. I never cry in front of people. But I cry in front of pictures. I cry listening to songs that keep memories awake. I cry into my pillow each and every night to hopefully find my sleep eventually.

Tears won't bring him home any sooner. I know. But sometimes I can't hide them. 

A woman told me I should stop complaining because I knew he was in the army. Oh well. Yes I knew it. But what I didn't know is what to expect. No one gave me a guide that says things like

"You will go three weeks without speaking to him"
"You can't control your emotions sometimes"
"You will go through the worst pain you probably ever felt"
"You will loose most of your civvi mates because they can't deal with your emotions"
"You can't sleep at night"
"Your heart will ache for just the most little contact"
"You will forget what he sounds, smells and tastes like"
"You will forget what a hug and a kiss feels like"


I could go on and fill a novel with examples. Do you see the point? I didn't know what to expect at all. And I don't think it's gonna end with this tour either. I haven't got any idea about what life will be like when he gets back and I'm dreading it.

I knew he was in the army. True. But can we choose who we fall for? I wish we could. I simply fell for my man! When will people start to understand. I can't choose the love of my life. I'm glad I found him and I won't let him go because of his job.

Yes, I do complain. And I have a right to complain. I complain on my mates who understand, so I don't get it off his shoulders when he calls eventually. I talk to my mates a lot about walking through this hell so I can keep his letters all cheery as he expects them to be. Yes, I do complain. But don't blame me, because I have a lot on my shoulders as well and I still have to be strong for my soldier too. 


He's trained to deal with everything that's thrown on him. I've literally been thrown into it all. I try to grab the ground with my feet, but as soon as they just hardly touch it, a new wave shakes it and I loose my hold.

An ice-cold heart

I asked for the coldest heart a human could get. I wanted it to make things more bearable for me. With a cold heart, I thought, it would be easier to get through it. To get through a day without wearing a mask. To enjoy every single second without wishing my life away. To get him off my mind and stop the endless worry. Feeling the ice growing in my chest has to make it easier. It has to freeze the tears that fill a whole ocean.

But what I got in exchange was completely different. It doesn’t make things easier. Not at all. Sometimes it makes it even worse. I am able to feel the most overwhelming love. I am able to feel close to C. even though a couple of countries separate our touch. Sometimes I can’t stop to shed tears. But what I feel in my chest is not the coldness of an icy winter day. What I feel is a glowing red circle.

It was for a reason I didn’t get the cold heart. A cold heart would probably make it easier. But a cold heart wouldn’t ever be able to get through it till the very end. A cold heart isn’t able to keep all the amazing memories you need to get through. It’s not able to grow the strength. A cold heart might seem stronger, and yes a warm heart might be easier to hurt. But as soon as it comes to the absolute pressure, a cold heart will easily crack like a wee ice cube, whilst a warm heart will feel a hardly bearable pain.

A cold heart is for the evil and weak. But a warm heart is for the bold. Just a heart of pure selflessness, unconditional love and the patience of an angel can keep you through. It’s easily hurt, but when it’s taken away by a soldier it grows stronger and stronger even though it endures the worst pains.

I asked for an ice-cold heart and what I got was a heart of pure gold.

The sound of his laugh

We have reached a new year again, and it is still a few days old. I still wonder if 2012 might be the year of my life. I won’t know until I lived the next 354 days to the fullest. But one thing is sure for me: I won’t be able to enjoy this year for the first 4 months, until C. gets back from his deployment eventually.

In 2011, I learned what it means to let Afghan rule my life and not being able to do anything against it. In the past year, I went from a normal civvi girl to an army girlfriend. And this little event changed my life completely. For normal girls it’s just like… oh, you have a new boyfriend. Nice! But for me, it is completely different. I knew from the very first moment what will expect me. Not for a single second I could enjoy the amazing feeling you get when you’re loved up. That moment we fell in love, Afghan started to take over my life. I had to grow my own bulletproof vest to be able to deal with all the things that are thrown on me. And I learned to never take it off. Not for a single second. It didn’t appear from the moment I needed it, and that is why I got hurt so easily in the beginning. Not that it got easy now. But I kinda learned how to deal with all the emotions and obstacles that show up every day. I learned that I just can’t help some problems, how much I would ever scream and cry it won’t solve them. I learned that I won’t receive his letters, for what reason ever, we still don’t know and I didn’t get a Bluey since early November. However, it makes me appreciate those four little letters I got during the first four weeks even more and in 15 weeks of this deployment I haven’t ever stopped reading through them.

People keep on telling me I should think about all the good times C. and I had when I’m down. I tried it a couple of times, but it caused just tears and pain. Yes, it does feel as if I lost him a little bit. I don’t know what he smells like, sometimes when I don’t hear out for longer, I even forget what he sounds like. But every night before I go to sleep I think about the sound of his laugh which I could never forget.