I'm so torn!

There's this antagonism in my life. I'm torn between the hot love I feel for him and the itching hate I have sometimes. No, I don't apologize anymore for sounding harsh or unfair. That's just the way life goes. Life's never fair is it? Not to me, anyways. 

I still love him more than anything in the world. And I'm afraid I always will, whatever he's going to do. But sometimes, this feeling goes deep down and I get so upset about things. That he doesn't text. That he doesn't let me know what's happening. That I never know when I'll actually see him next. That he never tells me anything important. I'm fed up with it. 

The other day I was thinking proudly, wow I am getting further. I am making little steps. Today, I'm thinking again this ain't gonna work. As much as I want it, it won't work. Do I expect too much? Am I always over reacting? I truly don't know. I just wanna hear from him, be able to speak to him, be part of his life and him being part of mine.

Now again, I haven't properly spoken to him in, what is it, fourish weeks? I might do little steps for a while, feeling alright, sometimes even happy, but then – boom! – it just hits me in the face and I'm back all the way I just came. 

As much as I want it to work, I'm afraid it won't. I know he loves me, more than anything, I know very often he just doesn't show it. But is all that enough? I'm thinking of him every second he's not here, but at times like this, I just get upset and teary-eyed. 

I'm 21, I shouldn't be living like that. In around nine months, I will finish my apprenticeship. The world's open for me then. Everything that keeps me here is him. And he's hardly around anyways. I will have to pull myself together and think about where I really wanna go, even when it contains missing him even more. 

I love him so much, but at the moment I hate him for doing this to me. He's not doing any of this on purpose, no, but I'm sick of excuses. And no, I'm not sorry to say all this. He doesn't show me he appreciates what I did and do. I'm really not expecting much. I did a hell of a lot for him, and I actually expect something back, yes. 

No, life's not fair. In fact, life's a bitch. You can be all kind and nice and give all sacrifices for just this one person you think who's worth it and then all you get is a huge kick in the arse for all your pain and hard work. 

Thank you! I'm not feeling well, but I will get back on my feet in a bit. It might not be today, not tomorrow, but maybe the day after.

Today, a year ago...

We shouldn't dwell on the past. We can't change what happened. But in my eyes, the past makes us who we are. So yes, we should spend some time thinking about the past and about how we would have done things differently or exactly the same we did them.

I was just wandering along in the sunset of a warm summer saturday, when I was thinking that one year ago, I just started to get close with C. I remember that we met again, and really wanted to spend time with each other, when the army called him away for a two weeks exercise to prepare for his afghan deployment. I decided to flicker through my old text messages on my phone. Oh my. Tell me emotional, but yes I started crying. 

A year ago, I had no idea of how much pain would lie in front of me. How much strength I still had to gain. I simply had no clue what it meant to wait these two weeks for him. What it meant to let this happen. How many sacrifices all this would bring. It was simply these two weeks. I waited for C. to get back, and then I had no choice. I already fell for him. If I knew what this first kiss meant, what it was taking, how it turned my life upside down... I'm not saying I regret it. Not at all. But I might of pulled myself together and walked away from him when it was early enough. 

It sounds harsh? Yes. I faced the fears of my life so far already. But then, when I think who I was a year ago, I could not be more grateful that I fell for this man. Not just this deployment and this way of living, but mainly him, his love, and the way we share our feelings make me a better person. Not simply a better woman. But I know I can grow all the strength I need, when I need it. I might not be strong all the time, but when I fall, I get up. 

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

I learned who my friends are. I learned to be able to enjoy time on my own. To get up and do things when I really don't feel like. To open up to people who understand. To take advice. Accepting things I can't change and change the ones I can. 

I learned not to trust anyone. I learned to grow back trust when it's earned. Which is a long long process. Getting back faith when there's no hope left. 

I learned what missing someone means. Really. Our good-byes don't just last till tomorrow. But then, I learned that I love C. more than I could ever miss him. 

Deployments separate the girls from the women. Love can be deployment-proved. But there are not many. 

A year ago, I was a completely different person, woman, friend, daughter, girlfriend, mate, colleague, grandchild, niece, cousin, judoka, designer. I am more self-confident. I do things my way, even when everyone else thinks it's stupid, silly, wrong. It's my way and I do it how I want it. It's my life. I'm 21 now, and I think I learned more in one year than some people learn in their whole lives. WIthout sounding snotty.

I don't wanna be who I was a year ago. I had a year full of pain and sacrifices, tears, screams, wandering minds, horrible imaginations. But then I had a year of amazing feelings not many people are able to have, I experience a true unconditional love that wouldn't be possible without all these scary things.

Yes we can!

I’m always thinking of the things I can’t do. I’m not able to do. But I never see the things I 

actually can do. The things that make me who I am. Make me stronger. Maybe wiser. 

Act the way I do. Treat the people different than I did before. 

Unfortunately, the things that make you a better person are always the things you think you 

can’t survive. They never happen without pain. Mostly mental pain. I just start realizing that. 

People always said “it will be worth it”. He will be worth the wait. But it’s not just him being 

worth it all. Through all this pain, I apparently really turn out to be who I truly am. These 
scary experiences make me the woman I am today. And I haven’t reached my destination 
yet and probably won’t until I lived my life till the very last day. They say the way is the 
destination.

There’s many things I’m not able to do, or at least I think I am not, yeah. But there’s equally 

as many things I absolutely can do:

FIRST Afghan

I am with a guy for around four weeks and he deploys to Afghan for six months. He doesn’t 

keep in touch on a regular basis, but I keep writing to him at least once a day. My love to 

him grew with every day he’s been gone to this war zone. I went seven whole weeks 

without a single word from him after five and a half months. I had doubts, yes, a hell of a 

lot. But deep inside, I had faith in him, me and out relationship. Six months turned out to be 

seven. I was able to give all these sacrifices and so much more after just four weeks of a 

relationship. This shows me how serious I am with him. 

SECOND The time behind Afghan

C. came back from Afghan over a month later than it was planned. I was unbelievably 

happy that we made it through. I saw him one night, possibly the happiest night in my life 

so far, and then he flew back home. And didn’t stay in touch. Possibly the worst time in my 

life so far. Five whole weeks I tried to understand what was happening. I couldn’t. Still, I am 

able to forgive him what he did to me and love him more than ever. 

THIRD A military relationship

Do something that not many have the courage to do. I do it every day. Simply being with 

a soldier. Or mostly, being apart. Not that I never wanted to run. Hell, I wanted it so often. 

But I couldn’t let go. Never. 

FOURTH Communication

Every time we are apart, communications are not easy. Not at all. Sometimes I don’t hear 

from him in days, even though he’s not in a war zone. I panicked a lot, but I feel I am getting 

a bit calmer now. And then I get a text saying “I miss you like mad”. 

FIFTH Separation

Majority of a military relationship. Sadly. But truly. I am with C. now for nearly a year. The 

time we spent together I can count on one hand. Seven months apart due to Afghan. 

Another month apart after Afghan. Another month or so apart due to OP Olympics. Nine 

months so far. Not including the regular working weeks. I often wondered if a relationship 

is able to grow with so much time apart. I don’t know yet. But what I know is that I am so 

deeply in love with him that I am still trying.

I realize I never felt like this before. I realize this has to be something special.  

6pm: "Good morning..."

It's the little things. It doesn't take much to make me smile. Me trying to deal with another separation from C. – OP Olympics. Horray. I'm still struggling with army life, separations, no contact. So I get a text from him at 6pm starting "Good morning..." and it made me smile from one ear to another. Me just finishing my work day and C. starting his night shift. Awkward, how we live two different lives. But it made me smile so much.

Getting a text around midnight going "I'm still working..." and then having one at 8am saying "I just finished and can't wait to do this again tonight" (his sarcasm) makes me feel close to him. Even though I am in a completely different routine than he is. 

It's the little things. These little texts keep me going. 

Yes, he's a soldier. Who else would text that way? 

My aim is to be happy when he is away, too. When he can't text. I need to learn that. If it's possible to learn happiness when you don't want to be happy. Can you learn happiness? It's the only way I will be able to cope in this life. Being happy, all the time. Not that I'm not allowed a bad day. Everyone has bad days, not just women in the military. But I need to find a balance. Urgently. 

My text back at 8am: "Sleep well, I'm thinking of you when I'm working."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

This is an often-used old saying. And it is very true. But it is easier said than done. For me, it's always a storm when C. is away. Not even on a deployment, but on leave back in England, on exercise, during the week, or currently on OP Olympics. There are all thes worries inside me. I was always worried about him, but after everything that happened after he came back from Afghan, I am worried about us, too. There's still this worry about him keeping in touch. When? How often? And more than anything: Will he be in contact? It sounds stupid. Even to me, sometimes. But then I suppose it takes more than a few months to get back to the trust I had. 

The storm to pass. Will it pass? One day? In my eyes, the whole army is a storm. Separation, separation, separation. Is there a way to deal with it all? I'm not sure. I'm not weak, but I hate separations.

The hardest part is to learn how to be happy when he's away. There will always be this overwhelming feeling of something that's missing. Longing for him. Every second that he's away.

How did I do Afghan? How did I manage seven whole months without him? Him being in a war zone, every moment in possible danger? Seven weeks without any contact at all? 

Now, he's gone for three, maybe four weeks. To England. And I am struggling more than ever. The question I have on my mind, is a relationship able to grow with a text once a day? Sometimes less? What kind of relationship can keep going with hardly any communication? Is it possible to grow love like a little flower when you are apart most of the time? 

Will I be able to handle all the waiting? Will I be able to trust him again, like I did before? Will I ever be able to truly smile when he's away, will I be able to sleep, to find some rest to feel comfortable, less lonely when he's not with me? Will I learn not to stare at my phone? Will I learn not to doubt him when he doesn't text? 

I am not feeling complete without him. Not even a little bit. Will I be able to cope? All these questions. 

Is it naive to think we can have a life together? Is love enough? One day he will go back to England. In a year and a bit he goes back to war. Is there a future for us? Is it impossible to be together? Is this a love against any rules? Are we fighting the world together? 

The price we pay to be with a soldier is high. So very high. Is it worth it? I miss him.

These moments

There is this one moment when the world is standing still. This one moment that takes you 
the ability to speak, to move, even to breathe. I’m not sure if everyone knows these kind 
of moments. I didn’t until I fell in love with a soldier. I didn’t know so many things until I fell in 
love with a soldier. It’s hard. It’s so unbelievable hard. But in the end, it’s so worth it. I have 
been through hell. He has been through hell. And our relationship as well. No experience 
in the world can describe the love you share when you stole the heart of an infantry soldier.

I’ve had quite a few of these moments recently. It takes more than a couple of weeks to 
get back to a special limit of trust. 

One night, I asked him if we can make it work. He went of course we can. All these 
problems will just bring us closer. I wasn’t sure if I can believe him. 

The night before, we had another long talk about our relationship. No, it’s not stable yet. 
And we have probably been through more than we should have been. But they have been 
right. Military love is different. We want each other. More than we ever tried to imagine.

The one moment that is burned into my mind is when C. was standing in front of me, 
next to a wood, and me being angry about something that happened during the week. 
It was one of these moments that questioned our relationship. I went to see him after work, 
wearing a white short dress, my mind trying to prepare me for the worst again, to let him go, 
because all these little things that put a strain on us can’t be fixed anymore and there won’t 
be any hope for an “us”. 

It doesn’t sound like a nice moment. The second that made me silent was when he reached 
out his hand, showing me a little black box, asking me to take it. I hold on for a while, telling 
C. that I don’t want anything from him but a talk about everything. “Either you take it or it 
goes into the bushes” was his response. To avoid any arguments, I took the black box and 
put it away in my handbag. After we talked about things, he took the little box again. “Do you 
know what this is?” I shook my head. He opened the box and a silver medal with the bold 
letters “Afghanistan” was looking at me. 

The moment that makes the time stand still is the one when he gave me his Afghan medal
with the words “I wouldn’t get through it without you. This is what you make possible”.  

There are these very special moments you can just share with an infantry soldier. The
night before he went back home, C. took me out. He asked me if I’d mind a bit of a walk 
and I said no. Where he took me was a military training area with the information “don’t 
touch anything that looks not natural, because it will probably go off and blow your hands 
away”. How romantic! In the end, that evening was one of the most special evenings for 
us so far.

It’s hard, so very hard. But there are these moments that truly take your breath away.  

No control.

I was at a point in my life where it couldn't get worse. I hit the ground. I thought tour was bad, but when I lost C. I thought I couldn't keep living on.

I have been so hurt. But I can forgive. Sometimes, we have to take a lot of pain for what we really want. That's what I do. Or try. I want us to be fine together. I want to trust him. But I can't. Not at this point.

He's trying. He's trying for me a lot. He makes the effort. So much.

I'm so in love. When I'm with him. But when I'm not, all I feel is anxiety. As soon as he leaves me, my palms go wet. My heart starts beating too fast again. My mind thinks too much. 

He won't contact again. He won't contact. 

Until he does. Hopefully. And then it goes all over again. I feel like a fool. I feel so needy. And so very weak. I need time with him. I want time with him. But it's very precious and rare. 

People say, give it time. You will get there. Time. Really? Is time the solution for everything? To get this under control? 

I feel like we are living seperate lives. It's an awful feeling. I don't want seperate lives. Do I simply have to accept this? I just want us to be okay and happy together. We just spent eight months apart. I feel we first have to fit back together as a couple before we can stand more seperation. 

But it's the precious moments I get with him that makes my heart stop for a second, puts my breath on hold and leaves my endorphines all over the place. It's pure happiness. It's a feeling I haven't had for such a long time. And I wish I could keep it during the time he's not with me. But I can't. For some reason. I have to learn this.

I hate this life more than anything. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I do it for him. All I want is him in my life and I need to be strong enough to live this. 

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I just need to calm down. I just need time. Fix me back together. And let us come out the other end stronger as a couple. So much stronger.

I didn't give us up during the whole time. And apparently, he didn't either. I need to be strong now and get my head straight. I want this to work. More than anything.

No, life's not a fairy tale. Fairy tales end happy. I already came to that conclusion. Life's not always happy and cheery. It has its ups and downs. For everyone. And I'm just crawling off a massive hole. It will take time, a lot of effort and power to get out of it. But I have to and I won't give up. I will be fine. For him. I will keep trying. I will get my trust back, hopefully. I will calm down.