These moments

There is this one moment when the world is standing still. This one moment that takes you 
the ability to speak, to move, even to breathe. I’m not sure if everyone knows these kind 
of moments. I didn’t until I fell in love with a soldier. I didn’t know so many things until I fell in 
love with a soldier. It’s hard. It’s so unbelievable hard. But in the end, it’s so worth it. I have 
been through hell. He has been through hell. And our relationship as well. No experience 
in the world can describe the love you share when you stole the heart of an infantry soldier.

I’ve had quite a few of these moments recently. It takes more than a couple of weeks to 
get back to a special limit of trust. 

One night, I asked him if we can make it work. He went of course we can. All these 
problems will just bring us closer. I wasn’t sure if I can believe him. 

The night before, we had another long talk about our relationship. No, it’s not stable yet. 
And we have probably been through more than we should have been. But they have been 
right. Military love is different. We want each other. More than we ever tried to imagine.

The one moment that is burned into my mind is when C. was standing in front of me, 
next to a wood, and me being angry about something that happened during the week. 
It was one of these moments that questioned our relationship. I went to see him after work, 
wearing a white short dress, my mind trying to prepare me for the worst again, to let him go, 
because all these little things that put a strain on us can’t be fixed anymore and there won’t 
be any hope for an “us”. 

It doesn’t sound like a nice moment. The second that made me silent was when he reached 
out his hand, showing me a little black box, asking me to take it. I hold on for a while, telling 
C. that I don’t want anything from him but a talk about everything. “Either you take it or it 
goes into the bushes” was his response. To avoid any arguments, I took the black box and 
put it away in my handbag. After we talked about things, he took the little box again. “Do you 
know what this is?” I shook my head. He opened the box and a silver medal with the bold 
letters “Afghanistan” was looking at me. 

The moment that makes the time stand still is the one when he gave me his Afghan medal
with the words “I wouldn’t get through it without you. This is what you make possible”.  

There are these very special moments you can just share with an infantry soldier. The
night before he went back home, C. took me out. He asked me if I’d mind a bit of a walk 
and I said no. Where he took me was a military training area with the information “don’t 
touch anything that looks not natural, because it will probably go off and blow your hands 
away”. How romantic! In the end, that evening was one of the most special evenings for 
us so far.

It’s hard, so very hard. But there are these moments that truly take your breath away.  

No control.

I was at a point in my life where it couldn't get worse. I hit the ground. I thought tour was bad, but when I lost C. I thought I couldn't keep living on.

I have been so hurt. But I can forgive. Sometimes, we have to take a lot of pain for what we really want. That's what I do. Or try. I want us to be fine together. I want to trust him. But I can't. Not at this point.

He's trying. He's trying for me a lot. He makes the effort. So much.

I'm so in love. When I'm with him. But when I'm not, all I feel is anxiety. As soon as he leaves me, my palms go wet. My heart starts beating too fast again. My mind thinks too much. 

He won't contact again. He won't contact. 

Until he does. Hopefully. And then it goes all over again. I feel like a fool. I feel so needy. And so very weak. I need time with him. I want time with him. But it's very precious and rare. 

People say, give it time. You will get there. Time. Really? Is time the solution for everything? To get this under control? 

I feel like we are living seperate lives. It's an awful feeling. I don't want seperate lives. Do I simply have to accept this? I just want us to be okay and happy together. We just spent eight months apart. I feel we first have to fit back together as a couple before we can stand more seperation. 

But it's the precious moments I get with him that makes my heart stop for a second, puts my breath on hold and leaves my endorphines all over the place. It's pure happiness. It's a feeling I haven't had for such a long time. And I wish I could keep it during the time he's not with me. But I can't. For some reason. I have to learn this.

I hate this life more than anything. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I do it for him. All I want is him in my life and I need to be strong enough to live this. 

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I just need to calm down. I just need time. Fix me back together. And let us come out the other end stronger as a couple. So much stronger.

I didn't give us up during the whole time. And apparently, he didn't either. I need to be strong now and get my head straight. I want this to work. More than anything.

No, life's not a fairy tale. Fairy tales end happy. I already came to that conclusion. Life's not always happy and cheery. It has its ups and downs. For everyone. And I'm just crawling off a massive hole. It will take time, a lot of effort and power to get out of it. But I have to and I won't give up. I will be fine. For him. I will keep trying. I will get my trust back, hopefully. I will calm down.

It's dark and will never dawn

It is always that time in life when you think it can’t get any worse, it does. I always thought, what could be worse than sending the love of your life into a war zone? There’s nothing that could. Oh, how wrong have I been. This should have been our story. Now, this is my story.

Seven long months I waited for his return. Cried and prayed for his safe return. And he came back. He came back. I thought the worst time of my life was behind me. But I was wrong. It just arrived. How ever hard the past months have been, I was okay in the end. I was okay, because I had him. He was far away, but my heart was with him and parts of him were with me, every day, every moment he wasn’t here.

He came back, and I lost him. I couldn’t ever imagine so much pain. I lost him. The love of my life. I waited for him. I did everything for him. And when he came back, I thought I couldn’t be happier. He made me the happiest woman on earth. And then I lost him. I don’t even know how it happened. It just did. The way life ruins everything. What could go wrong, did.

There have been rumours. Everywhere. And he didn’t speak to me. So I believed in them. I did him wrong. Really bad. But I had no choice. At least that’s what I think. I lost the love of my life. Because I have trust issues. I lost all my faith to this war. So there was nothing left for when he came back. Nothing.

Now it is a month ago that he came home. I waited for this time, for so long. And I still cannot understand how this could happen to us. There is no more us. I am numb. Finally. In the beginning, I was bleeding. So badly. It was the worst time in my whole life so far. I lost him. After all that’s happened. I needed a break really bad, but I didn’t get it. I needed him, but I lost him. I lost him. I don’t realize it’s happened, even when I repeat it a thousand times.

I keep dreaming of him. The moment when I wake up is the worst. When I think he is still there. But he’s not.

There’s this overwhelming feeling when I can’t breathe anymore. It comes when I think I am alright, when I least expect it. I can’t breathe, I start to panic, my room turns black. They say it’s anxiety. I don’t know if all this could really have such a bad effect on me in the end. I probably underrated it. I thought I was fine. Apparently, I’m not. There’s probably more influence than I realized.

I’m staring at blank pages, waiting for the slightest way of communication that won’t ever come. I’m staring, all day. I can’t find control of my body. I thought I was numb. Am I? I doubt it. My heart is beating so fast. Too fast. I want it to slow down but it doesn’t. I can’t sleep. I can’t even breathe. And my heart is beating so very fast. I don’t have a clear view. There’s tears in my eyes, sometimes. My mind is a mess. I can’t sort it. Not alone. I need him. I need him to sort my mind out. Because on my own, I don’t understand. I can guess, but it takes me nowhere. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m always tired. My mind is blank. And then again, it’s so full I can’t even think.

He’s everywhere. In my bed, on the calendar, in my books, in the songs I listen to. He’s in my car, in my bathroom. He’s outside in the town, in the streets and shops. I can’t get rid of him. Not even for a second. I have the feeling he will always be in my heart. Where he belongs. But it hurts so much.

This is not a fairy tale...

…because there would have been a happy ending. 

I have never been so hurt in my life. After all I’ve done. Trying not to dwell on the past seven months and the sacrifices I gave is hard. Just fucking off and not speaking a single word to me after all is not how you treat a woman. Especially not the one you were supposed to love. And especially not after all this pain.

There is nothing more to say. I am devastated. That I am not even worth a talk anymore. Wow. Hit in the face. Trust no one, but yourself. Ever.  

So Romantic?

I have to let it out first otherwise I’m going to explode THIS TOUR IS NEARLY OVER AND HE 

LEFT AFGHAN!!! 

Okay. That feels better. 

It just starts to sink in really slow. He’s safe. He’s safe. He’s safe!!!

I felt devastated last night and again I thought I wasted 7 months time for nothing. I tried to 

get some sleep, I tried to find some rest. After midnight I woke up, and something told me 

to check my phone. And oh my god – I thought I’m gonna scream. I had two text messages. 

I saw his name on the screen. And the name of his friend. 

Wait – there are no mobile phones in Afghan… where did he get his phone… – in my 

sleepy head I had to read it like ten times to understand what’s going on. And that I’m able 

to text back. I can simply text him! He’s finally back in the world of phones and Internet. 

Doesn’t it sound so romantic – falling in love with a soldier, waiting for his safe return 
from war?

I think I'm going crazy

He broke the silence. A few days ago. I got a brief email and my heart stopped for a second.
I didn’t know what to expect, would he be angry, sad or upset? But in the end, I was wrong. 

“I love you and I’ll be back soon”

All I want is it to be over NOW. I’ve truly been at my limits, with nearly seven weeks without 
contact at all. I kinda learned to take control over my mind when all it’s doing is going crazy 
and thinking mad stuff about why he still hasn’t contacted. 

I suppose it’s nearly over and done with. But it still doesn’t feel like it will ever end. Is there 
ever going to be some kind of “normality” some point soon? My life turned upside down 
since I madly fell for a soldier.

I want to be honest. During the past weeks, I went through the biggest amounts of emotions 
a human can probably stand. It’s been the most amazing four days when I had C. home on 
RnR. But what followed after that, blew up nearly every experience I had so far. These 
seven weeks of silence did cruel things to me. I went from “I’ll be okay” to “why is this 
happening to me” to “why is this JUST happening to me” (it felt like it’s been just me) to 
“he must hate me” to “Right, I don’t give a fuck anymore”. After that last stage (there 
were surely more than these four but it would take ages to list them) I came to the point
where I nearly broke a couple of times. I came to the point when I no longer believed in 
our love or in our relationship. To the point I thought the past six months weren’t worth 
the pain. The only thing that ever got me through this deployment was his love. But during 
these seven weeks of no contact, there was no love. Well, no love I could see, hear or 
read. But I could probably feel it. Otherwise I wouldn’t still be here, waiting. 

I said I want to be honest. Sometimes I thought he hates me. Sometimes I thought I hate 
him. Most of my friends told me – again – he couldn’t be serious if I still haven’t heard.
To leave him. It might be hard, but how could I ever leave him? In the end I couldn’t even 
tell him how I feel because there is not contact! How ironic. Anyways, just some people 
keep on putting faith back into my heart. Keep on telling me to not listen to my brain at 
the moment. And I swear – without them I wouldn’t stand here now. They are what I call 
friends for life. And they are so important – always, but especially in times when my mind 
goes crazy and starts telling me things to prepare me for the worst. Because they have 
a clear view on what’s happening to me. 

So, 6 ½ months of tour are done. What’s happening after C. comes home – I don’t know. 
I don’t know a date, I don’t know anything. It fears me. But hey, didn’t they say you have to 
face your worst fears for the one you love?

Silence

It's been six weeks. No wait, over six weeks already. Over six weeks since I heard a word from him. Has it really been that long? A month and a half? Apparently. When he left me, I had this feeling. I said to my mate, I know I won't hear from him until he's home. And I've been right. Why's it I'm always right in bad things? 

This silence is awful. More awful than anything I ever experienced. It starts to eat you from the inside. Alive. And all you can do is wait. Let it happen or not. The silence gets too loud. The silence fills my head, my brain, goes down my throat, into my heart and stomach. Everythings filled with this awful silence. It takes control over my body. Silence. What does this silence mean? I don't know and I can't get rid off it. It's hard to form a clear thought. 

Over six weeks. It's just a short stretch in a lifetime, but the short stretch seems lifetime long at the moment.