The four letters

When you're in love with an infantry soldier, you appreciate every little bit you get to hear from him whilst he's on tour. You even go back to what feels like mid ages in nowadays. I never thought I would ever wait for the post man. I never thought I would get excited about a letter. About a letter! In times of smart phones and facebook? Hell, yeah! If you are in love with an infrantry soldier being on tour in Afghan, you don't just get excited about a letter, you literally flip out and jump around like a mad woman! You start waiting for the post man each and every day, hating him when he doesn't bring your loved blue letters and loving him on the few special days he does, and hating the Sundays when there is no post delivered. 

But when you get one of those little blue letters, it's just a buzz literally. You try to open it so quick and read through it then read through it again and again and again until you're sure you got every single bit of it right and until you nearly know it by heart. 

The four letters I got during the first three or four weeks were my rock. During times C. wasn't able to call for longer than expected, I read through them every night. I read through them, until I feel closer to him eventually. Sometimes I just couldn't read them anymore because of all the tears. I often cry when I read through them. It is such a roller coaster of emotions. I cry because I am happy he loves me so much that he uses that little down time he gets to write letters to me. I cry because I am happy about the words he wrote down. I cry because I miss him so much. I cry because I wish he would be back. I cry because of the weeks that are still in front of us. We don't just cry when we are sad. Often we cry when we are happy. I can't even always tell why i cry. It's too many emotion inside me. 

But the four letters I received keep me trough it. They are priceless. They are always next to my pillow, so I can read them each and every night before I go to bed. 

And I hope there will be more letters arriving on my door step soon. Thank you for your letters.

When his voice just makes my soul complete

It is just one thing that my heart and mind need to feel better again. It is simply hearing his voice. Simply hearing him say a few words. 

"I'm good. I miss you. I love you. And I'll be home soon."


That's all I need. My heart feels so light the moment I get to speak to him. It misses a beat the second he says "Hello". It starts to beat faster during our little conversation. It misses a beat again when he says "I call you back when I get the chance." And it just calms down a few minutes after I got off the phone. 

My mind is completely useless during our conversations. I have millions of questions on my mind each and every day. But when he calls eventually, everything is just gone. Gone. I can't think straight anymore. What's going on? What happens to me? I don't know. I think it is just simply the fact that I get to speak to my other half again. I get to speak to him again, often after days and days and more days of waiting, of hoping, of thoughts and thoughts and prayers. My mind just doesn't work anymore in a moment my heart takes over control of my body.

Dealing with the uncertainty

Being in love with an infantry soldier causes many ups and downs, and not just during a deployment. I think four weeks into my first tour, it is a good point to write down some lines about how I experienced the building up to C.s deployment. Ah well, the deployment... we knew about it for months. But the only thing that was missing was an exact date. Exact date? A loanword. Nothing is for sure. We were lucky, as we got the date of departure about two weeks before. Some just get it days before they have to leave. Well, what we got to know days before D-Day was that C. had to work his last day he spent in Germany. They made him work his very last day, this sunny Sunday I spoke about so very often. They made him work his last day he should actually spend with family and friends. They just made him work. Oh well, he's getting the Friday off instead of the Sunday then. That would be quite nice. It would have been, if they didn't decide two days later they apparently don't deserve another day off as the other flight just didn't get another one either. Really? Well, we can't help it anyway. Just get used to the changing dates. Get used to it? Three days before he has to deploy? Just a single question: how? The emotions are all over the place anyway. You just want to spend every single second with your love. You just want to keep so many good memories. So so many memories to get you through the following six months. You just want to enjoy every single second that is left for just you two. But they just made him work on his last day when he actually was supposed to see his friends. They just made him work. They don't deserve another day off because the other flight didn't get one either? They don't deserve another day off before a six months tour full of bloody hard work and living on little food and little sleep? Are you being serious? Well, obviously yes. We can't help it anyway. They said it, so it counts. So, that is the reason why C. and I got up about 0630 that sunny Sunday morning which was supposed to be a really nice day. Well, a nice day for anyone else. It turned to hell for me. I had to take back my infantry soldier to his camp and say this final good-bye to him which I was afraid of for weeks. But I learned not to call it good-bye, but it is "See you soon".

But even whilst they are on tour, no date is for sure. We haven't even got a clue when he will get his leave. They will get to know in the very last second anyway. And even then, I'm 99 per cent sure they will delay it. I'm prepared for a delayed leave now. I am prepared to wait a couple of days or even weeks more than planned. Yes, I am prepared now. But when it comes to that point, I know for sure I won't be prepared at all. As I just want to see him after a long time of separation. I just want to hug him and give him all my love I was just able to give him through letters and parcels during the past couple of months. I just want to have him back so desperately. And that's why I won't be prepared anyway, even though I know for sure it will be delayed. 

I don't know so many dates. I don't know when I will see C. next. I don't know when he will come back from his tour. I don't know when I will hear from him next. I don't know so many things at the moment. The only thing I know is that I have to get used to this uncertainty. I have to get used to it, because I love my infantry soldier. 

The first milestone

We reached it: our first milestone. This is a month done. Part one of six at all is over now. I'm so glad the first bit is done. I really am. It has not been easy though. At the same time the first month is over, I am without contact with C. for ten days at all now. Ten days without being able to make sure wether he's alright or not. Ten days without hearing his voice. Ten days without being able to speak to the love of your life. And no one knows how many days will follow.


Anyway, the first month is done. And I am so glad about every day that is behind us. A month closer to him coming home. A whole month. Five to go. It feels like a lifetime in the beginning. I don't know if this feeling will pass. I just know that six months are seriously feeling like a lifetime. You look at the events you will miss together. You look at the time you will spend apart. You are just looking forward to that bright golden day, which is his homecoming day. 

But what about the time you are wasting? Is it wasted time you spend apart? I doubt it. After the first four weeks I already learned so much. I learned so much about the army. I think I will learn so much more about the army. Some things I actually don't want to learn to be fair. I learned the hard way that when they say "I will call you tomorrow" it is for 99 per cent sure they won't. Probably for 100 per cent. I learned the hard way that they are not able to do even one call a week, if their schedule is that strict. I learned the hard way that waiting by the phone doesn't make him call any sooner.

And I learned the hard way that you just don't know how strong you are, until you have no choice other than finding that strength. You just have no choice. I learned not to loose my faith. Just keep it. Keep the faith. Be patient. Of course there are times, I feel like I'm just loosing my head. When I can't focus. But being focused is another important part of this journey. I learned that in my four weeks as well. It can be hard at times, very hard. But it's the only thing that stops you from loosing your mind. 


Being in love with an infantry soldier is anything else but easy. Being in love with an infantry soldier currently deployed in Afghanistan makes it even worse. But the only thing you can do is keeping your faith. Believe he will call again as soon as he gets the chance. And be sure that you will arrive the second milestone, which is in four weeks.

For my very special one

I just wanted to write some lines down about the person who has all my respect. I still have no idea how he is doing it. How he is going through this, with all that on his shoulders. How he could stay so calm until the very last minute. 

I have never ever heard him complain about just anything. Never. He knew he has to go to Afghanistan. But anyway, he just cared about me. Until the very last second. He stayed calm until the day he had to go. I realized him becoming nervous then, and the only thing he said was "I'm sorry, the last thing you need now is me becoming weird". I have such a massive respect for a person like that. I was actually waiting for some change in his behaviour before he went. But it never came. It just came up for one or two hours the day before he had to go. 

A couple of weeks before he deployed, he gave me his lucky Union Jack. He said "You need it more than I do". I told him he is going into a war zone, he should take it with him again as it brought him luck in Iraq. And the only thing he replied was "You know I'm a lucky bugger, believe me, you need it more."

Well, I am happy to say that this is the person I will share my life with again, when he comes back from Afghanistan. 

There is a time

There is a time when you don't know what your other half is doing right now on the other side of the world. There is a time when you can't just switch off your mind, how hard you try. There is a time when you stick to your phone more than anything else. There is a time you cancel all your meetings and plans, just to sit right next to your phone. There is a time when they just can't call home.

You have no idea when they will be able to call you next. But when you haven't heard out for so many days, it just hits you in the face. You're just wondering and wondering, you become angry with yourself. You stick to the news even though you know you shouldn't. Can we help it? Not at all.

In the end, the one thing we should always keep in mind is that no news is good news. Even though I am sooo sick of that saying! I've heard it so many times in the last couple of weeks. But anyway, it's true. It's hard not being able to speak to the love of your life, but you have to cope with it. The other thing we should keep in mind is that their job is the most important thing during the time of a deployment. C. is on my mind 24/7. That doesn't mean that I am on his all the time as well. He is out there to do a job. He is out there to make the life of millions of people better. He is out there to safe their lives. 

He is a true life hero. They are not able to call home anytime they want. That's what we should keep in mind. And there is a time, when they are not able to have the contact. Even tough he wants to speak to me as badly as I want to speak to him. And I know the next time he gets a chance, he will grab a phone and let me know everything's gonna be alright.

Falling apart

The first week without any contact at all. I just always try to understand. My brain does understand it. It's just my heart that doesn't, I think. With everyday, I feel more falling apart. Sometimes I just can't control my emotions, they just take control of my body. In the first moment, I just want to cry so badly. That is followed by a huge anger. Anger with myself and that I just can't go through it the way I want me to. Anger with this whole tour. Anger with the army. Even anger with Afghanistan, the country itself. Afghanistan. It's just a word really, isn't it? It became so dreadful to me. Afghanistan. Afghan. This anger takes control of me. I just want to scream, just want to hit something, just let everything out. I even want to destroy things, punch anything that comes along my way. But after that, I just feel so weak. Literally weak. My legs couldn't stand my body anymore. My legs were to weak to carry me. 

Sadness, anger and weakness are emotions that will go this very long way with me I think. And nervousness. Nervousness is one of the worst I think, because it causes the panic attacks. This rollercoaster of emotions is always caused by nervousness. Being nervous, because you haven't heard out in days. You just didn't have any contact at all. The phone is still glued to you, but you already gave up your hopes that it will ring. It will ring, eventually. No one knows how long it will take. How much time will pass. But the only thing we can focus on, is that it will ring eventually. Always keep in mind: He would call, if he could. How often did I hear this sentence in just the past three weeks? God. Stopped counting. But in the end, this sentence is so true. Of course he will call as soon as he just gets the chance! It is just very hard to keep that in mind at times like this. At times, when I haven't heard out in days. It fears me that he might not be able to call in weeks. It really does. But I just have to believe, he will call as soon as he can. He will. He definitely will. Until then, I am still falling apart.

Five missed calls, five lost chances

I didn't feel so bad since C. has left. I just looked at my mobile after a nice and busy day at work. And the only thing I saw was that I just missed five calls of him. I just missed them. My little world stopped for a single second. I hold in, just staring at my phone. I just stood there, staring. I couldn't believe it. It was obvious that I'll miss a call one day. But he had my work phone number, so I didn't expect to miss a call on my mobile during work time. I was not prepared. And I didn't miss one call, I missed five calls in just 30 minutes.

Now there are questions again. Stupid questions, and no answers. 

I just missed a chance to speak to him. I missed an amazing chance to hear his voice. It was heart-breaking. It really was. Five missed calls. What if he wanted to tell me something important? What if... well what if? What if it was the last time I would ever get a chance to speak to him? I am not allowed to let that thought just near my mind. Not even close to it. It even is a bloody nightmare without this thought. 

The only thing you can do in such a situation is to see the positive things in it. Positive things? Well, it is hard enough to miss a call. But it is even harder if you missed five at all. And if you are not able to call back, it is not just hard, but horrid. You just have to wait. But yeah, if you think about it, there are positive things. First: he tried to call. He misses me. He loves me. He tried to speak to me. He wanted to hear my voice as badly as I wanted to hear his'. Second: he is doing alright. If he's able to call me, he's fine. Third: he'll call back in a bit. At least, I really do hope so. I really do.

I am so sorry I missed your calls. I really am. 

Answers and questions

I heard so many things about how it will be to be left behind at home. I heard so many many things about these special six months. 

I asked many silly questions. I got serious answers. Answers that were daunting. Answers that got my hopes up. Answers that scared me or kept me calm. But in the end, all these answers were honest. It is a daunting time. It definitely is, not doubt about that. But after just 15 days, I can already tell it is such a special time as well. Not many couples get the chance to have this special kind of contact and communication. To get to know each other better in a very personal way, but just so many miles apart. If that makes sense? 

Well, we don't have a choice anyway. Of course it would be so much easier if we could just choose who we fall in love with. But I fell in love with a soldier. I had to fall in love with an infantry soldier who is on tour in Afghanistan. So I have no choice. I have to see the positive side of these six months. I have to, otherwise I couldn't cope. 

But as many answers I already got before he deployed, as many questions I have on my mind now. Questions I will never tell. Questions I can barely think about without breaking down. Questions, questions. Stupid questions. Silly questions. Questions that are doing my head in. Questions that are stressing me out big style. But in the end, there are no answers. There seriously are no proper answers, because the experience I made after just 15 days is that everyone can just tell what they experienced theirselves. But you have to experience your own journey. You haven't got a choice. It is so bloody different for everyone. It definitely is. The main thing is: do not count on the answers you get. Just don't. Because it may and probably will be different for you anyway. It is just too easy to get your hopes up. Getting your hopes up for a couple of phone calls every week but it will be just one in the end. Getting your hopes up for many messages but having just a little one a month in the end. Getting your hopes up is just too easy. Better expect nothing, and everything else will be a bonus then.

I got answers before C. left, but I have questions now he's gone. I got my hopes up before C. left, but I learned very quickly in just 15 days. In the end, the only thing you need to have is faith. Just faith. And bring amounts of patience as well. These two things will get you to your inner strength you need. Do not worry a single second about not being strong enough to do these six months. As there is no choice. There seriously is no choice when you fell in love with a soldier. And faith and patience will take you to this strength. I haven't reached it yet. Definitely not. Not after just 15 days. But I am sure I will get there. Because I have faith. And I have patience. Because I just have to. And I will. At some point, I will. Probably not tomorrow, probably not next week. But maybe the week after.

The very first letter - cracking on

That was my second week then. The second week on my own. The second week of 24 weeks at all. I'm still at the very beginning of this long journey. And there were already so many ups and downs during these two weeks. I got my third phone call from the sand pit. I got my very first message from C. But the best thing was, that I had a little down on Saturday, because I've been told C.'s letters may not get to me because he sent them to a German civvi address. What was good about that? That I received his first letter exactly that day. It was so ironic. As if he wanted to say "Ha, as if my letters won't reach you!". I keep this little blue letter with me, wherever I go. It is so special. It is not just a letter. These 23 lines mean the world to me. I never thought I would wait for the post man nowadays! I never thought I would, until I fell in love with an infantry soldier.

But what can we do? Nothing at all. Nothing? We can do a little bit, at least. We can give support. We can give our soliders a feeling of home, bring them a bit closer to us. They are the receiving end of the support. But that doesn't mean they can't support us as well. Us – the ones they left behind at home. They do support us with every phone call they make, with every line they write down, with every letter they send or with every message they leave us. All these little things make you buzz. They make your day. Even a ten-second phone call can make your day so much brighter. I didn't think that would be true before I fell in love with a soldier. When your other half is in a war zone, you are unbelievable greatful for just every second you get to speak to them. Without this contact, how little it may be, we couldn't go through it. We couldn't cope without them. And C. is with me every moment of my life, wherever I go, wherever I may be, I know he is there, because I have him in my heart and on my mind 24/7 and I am more than 100% sure I am in his chest as well. He took part of me with him. And with every phone call I get, with every letter I receive and with every line I read I get part from him back, until I have him by my side again. And I am so sure this will be the best feeling I've ever had in my life. And that is exactly what keeps me going. I know it was the worst thing I've ever done so far, saying good-bye to him that sunny Sunday when he had to leave. But I know as well that this feeling I have, when I have him back in my arms, will be so amazing that it's all worth it. Going through such a thing together can just make you stronger in the end. I am pretty sure about that. And that is a special feeling just someone can have who got through this journey. It is a long, horrible journey. But there are not just down-times. May the good days outbalance. 

Week 1 - One week closer

It's Sunday again. It's a really sunny and nice warm Sunday again. We crossed the border to October already. When I think back one week, I am happy I am seven days into my first deployment. I don't want this day a week ago back. Never. Never ever bring that day back, please. I remember the pain I had. Not just me, but C. as well. I remember curling up in bed like a little ball, wishing he would come back. I didn't stop wishing he was already back, but I changed the ball-position to a standing-up-position. Keeping your head up und marching on proud is obviously the only right thing to do. It is bloody hard, but it's the only thing you can do. I think I did perfectly well keeping myself busy during this week, till today. I worked from Monday till Friday, had some plans in the evenings, plus I know what i wanted to do at the weekend. But today it's Sunday again. It's Sunday... I actually wanted to catch up with my mate, but suddenly she couldn't make it. So i ended up by myself, not having a "plan B". I think these days are the worst.  Ending up on your own, not knowing how to keep busy and how to get rid of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
C. is on my mind 24/7, whatever I'm doing, how busy I am. But today, time doesn't pass quick enough. I hate it when time sticks like glue. Pass, pass, pass! That's the only thing I want for the next five months and three weeks. Time flying by! So I have him back home safe soon. Soon! That's what he keeps on saying. "I'll be home soon. I'll be back before you know it." Seriously? How?

We shouldn't make the "waiting game" of it. Waiting game? Waiting in front of the phone. Waiting for the post man. Waiting for just any little contact from him. It makes it even worse. But sometimes I just can't help it. I really can't. Especially at days like this. I know there won't be any contact at all. But anyway, I am still waiting. Waiting for just any contact, waiting for the time to pass. 
It's Sunday again. Sundays seem to be the worst. And it will be Sunday again in seven days. Which means again a week closer anyway.