The first week without any contact at all. I just always try to understand. My brain does understand it. It's just my heart that doesn't, I think. With everyday, I feel more falling apart. Sometimes I just can't control my emotions, they just take control of my body. In the first moment, I just want to cry so badly. That is followed by a huge anger. Anger with myself and that I just can't go through it the way I want me to. Anger with this whole tour. Anger with the army. Even anger with Afghanistan, the country itself. Afghanistan. It's just a word really, isn't it? It became so dreadful to me. Afghanistan. Afghan. This anger takes control of me. I just want to scream, just want to hit something, just let everything out. I even want to destroy things, punch anything that comes along my way. But after that, I just feel so weak. Literally weak. My legs couldn't stand my body anymore. My legs were to weak to carry me.
Sadness, anger and weakness are emotions that will go this very long way with me I think. And nervousness. Nervousness is one of the worst I think, because it causes the panic attacks. This rollercoaster of emotions is always caused by nervousness. Being nervous, because you haven't heard out in days. You just didn't have any contact at all. The phone is still glued to you, but you already gave up your hopes that it will ring. It will ring, eventually. No one knows how long it will take. How much time will pass. But the only thing we can focus on, is that it will ring eventually. Always keep in mind: He would call, if he could. How often did I hear this sentence in just the past three weeks? God. Stopped counting. But in the end, this sentence is so true. Of course he will call as soon as he just gets the chance! It is just very hard to keep that in mind at times like this. At times, when I haven't heard out in days. It fears me that he might not be able to call in weeks. It really does. But I just have to believe, he will call as soon as he can. He will. He definitely will. Until then, I am still falling apart.
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