I just wanted to write some lines down about the person who has all my respect. I still have no idea how he is doing it. How he is going through this, with all that on his shoulders. How he could stay so calm until the very last minute.
I have never ever heard him complain about just anything. Never. He knew he has to go to Afghanistan. But anyway, he just cared about me. Until the very last second. He stayed calm until the day he had to go. I realized him becoming nervous then, and the only thing he said was "I'm sorry, the last thing you need now is me becoming weird". I have such a massive respect for a person like that. I was actually waiting for some change in his behaviour before he went. But it never came. It just came up for one or two hours the day before he had to go.
A couple of weeks before he deployed, he gave me his lucky Union Jack. He said "You need it more than I do". I told him he is going into a war zone, he should take it with him again as it brought him luck in Iraq. And the only thing he replied was "You know I'm a lucky bugger, believe me, you need it more."
Well, I am happy to say that this is the person I will share my life with again, when he comes back from Afghanistan.
There is a time when you don't know what your other half is doing right now on the other side of the world. There is a time when you can't just switch off your mind, how hard you try. There is a time when you stick to your phone more than anything else. There is a time you cancel all your meetings and plans, just to sit right next to your phone. There is a time when they just can't call home.
You have no idea when they will be able to call you next. But when you haven't heard out for so many days, it just hits you in the face. You're just wondering and wondering, you become angry with yourself. You stick to the news even though you know you shouldn't. Can we help it? Not at all.
In the end, the one thing we should always keep in mind is that no news is good news. Even though I am sooo sick of that saying! I've heard it so many times in the last couple of weeks. But anyway, it's true. It's hard not being able to speak to the love of your life, but you have to cope with it. The other thing we should keep in mind is that their job is the most important thing during the time of a deployment. C. is on my mind 24/7. That doesn't mean that I am on his all the time as well. He is out there to do a job. He is out there to make the life of millions of people better. He is out there to safe their lives.
He is a true life hero. They are not able to call home anytime they want. That's what we should keep in mind. And there is a time, when they are not able to have the contact. Even tough he wants to speak to me as badly as I want to speak to him. And I know the next time he gets a chance, he will grab a phone and let me know everything's gonna be alright.
The first week without any contact at all. I just always try to understand. My brain does understand it. It's just my heart that doesn't, I think. With everyday, I feel more falling apart. Sometimes I just can't control my emotions, they just take control of my body. In the first moment, I just want to cry so badly. That is followed by a huge anger. Anger with myself and that I just can't go through it the way I want me to. Anger with this whole tour. Anger with the army. Even anger with Afghanistan, the country itself. Afghanistan. It's just a word really, isn't it? It became so dreadful to me. Afghanistan. Afghan. This anger takes control of me. I just want to scream, just want to hit something, just let everything out. I even want to destroy things, punch anything that comes along my way. But after that, I just feel so weak. Literally weak. My legs couldn't stand my body anymore. My legs were to weak to carry me.
Sadness, anger and weakness are emotions that will go this very long way with me I think. And nervousness. Nervousness is one of the worst I think, because it causes the panic attacks. This rollercoaster of emotions is always caused by nervousness. Being nervous, because you haven't heard out in days. You just didn't have any contact at all. The phone is still glued to you, but you already gave up your hopes that it will ring. It will ring, eventually. No one knows how long it will take. How much time will pass. But the only thing we can focus on, is that it will ring eventually. Always keep in mind: He would call, if he could. How often did I hear this sentence in just the past three weeks? God. Stopped counting. But in the end, this sentence is so true. Of course he will call as soon as he just gets the chance! It is just very hard to keep that in mind at times like this. At times, when I haven't heard out in days. It fears me that he might not be able to call in weeks. It really does. But I just have to believe, he will call as soon as he can. He will. He definitely will. Until then, I am still falling apart.
I didn't feel so bad since C. has left. I just looked at my mobile after a nice and busy day at work. And the only thing I saw was that I just missed five calls of him. I just missed them. My little world stopped for a single second. I hold in, just staring at my phone. I just stood there, staring. I couldn't believe it. It was obvious that I'll miss a call one day. But he had my work phone number, so I didn't expect to miss a call on my mobile during work time. I was not prepared. And I didn't miss one call, I missed five calls in just 30 minutes.
Now there are questions again. Stupid questions, and no answers.
I just missed a chance to speak to him. I missed an amazing chance to hear his voice. It was heart-breaking. It really was. Five missed calls. What if he wanted to tell me something important? What if... well what if? What if it was the last time I would ever get a chance to speak to him? I am not allowed to let that thought just near my mind. Not even close to it. It even is a bloody nightmare without this thought.
The only thing you can do in such a situation is to see the positive things in it. Positive things? Well, it is hard enough to miss a call. But it is even harder if you missed five at all. And if you are not able to call back, it is not just hard, but horrid. You just have to wait. But yeah, if you think about it, there are positive things. First: he tried to call. He misses me. He loves me. He tried to speak to me. He wanted to hear my voice as badly as I wanted to hear his'. Second: he is doing alright. If he's able to call me, he's fine. Third: he'll call back in a bit. At least, I really do hope so. I really do.
I am so sorry I missed your calls. I really am.
I heard so many things about how it will be to be left behind at home. I heard so many many things about these special six months.
I asked many silly questions. I got serious answers. Answers that were daunting. Answers that got my hopes up. Answers that scared me or kept me calm. But in the end, all these answers were honest. It is a daunting time. It definitely is, not doubt about that. But after just 15 days, I can already tell it is such a special time as well. Not many couples get the chance to have this special kind of contact and communication. To get to know each other better in a very personal way, but just so many miles apart. If that makes sense?
Well, we don't have a choice anyway. Of course it would be so much easier if we could just choose who we fall in love with. But I fell in love with a soldier. I had to fall in love with an infantry soldier who is on tour in Afghanistan. So I have no choice. I have to see the positive side of these six months. I have to, otherwise I couldn't cope.
But as many answers I already got before he deployed, as many questions I have on my mind now. Questions I will never tell. Questions I can barely think about without breaking down. Questions, questions. Stupid questions. Silly questions. Questions that are doing my head in. Questions that are stressing me out big style. But in the end, there are no answers. There seriously are no proper answers, because the experience I made after just 15 days is that everyone can just tell what they experienced theirselves. But you have to experience your own journey. You haven't got a choice. It is so bloody different for everyone. It definitely is. The main thing is: do not count on the answers you get. Just don't. Because it may and probably will be different for you anyway. It is just too easy to get your hopes up. Getting your hopes up for a couple of phone calls every week but it will be just one in the end. Getting your hopes up for many messages but having just a little one a month in the end. Getting your hopes up is just too easy. Better expect nothing, and everything else will be a bonus then.
I got answers before C. left, but I have questions now he's gone. I got my hopes up before C. left, but I learned very quickly in just 15 days. In the end, the only thing you need to have is faith. Just faith. And bring amounts of patience as well. These two things will get you to your inner strength you need. Do not worry a single second about not being strong enough to do these six months. As there is no choice. There seriously is no choice when you fell in love with a soldier. And faith and patience will take you to this strength. I haven't reached it yet. Definitely not. Not after just 15 days. But I am sure I will get there. Because I have faith. And I have patience. Because I just have to. And I will. At some point, I will. Probably not tomorrow, probably not next week. But maybe the week after.
That was my second week then. The second week on my own. The second week of 24 weeks at all. I'm still at the very beginning of this long journey. And there were already so many ups and downs during these two weeks. I got my third phone call from the sand pit. I got my very first message from C. But the best thing was, that I had a little down on Saturday, because I've been told C.'s letters may not get to me because he sent them to a German civvi address. What was good about that? That I received his first letter exactly that day. It was so ironic. As if he wanted to say "Ha, as if my letters won't reach you!". I keep this little blue letter with me, wherever I go. It is so special. It is not just a letter. These 23 lines mean the world to me. I never thought I would wait for the post man nowadays! I never thought I would, until I fell in love with an infantry soldier.
But what can we do? Nothing at all. Nothing? We can do a little bit, at least. We can give support. We can give our soliders a feeling of home, bring them a bit closer to us. They are the receiving end of the support. But that doesn't mean they can't support us as well. Us – the ones they left behind at home. They do support us with every phone call they make, with every line they write down, with every letter they send or with every message they leave us. All these little things make you buzz. They make your day. Even a ten-second phone call can make your day so much brighter. I didn't think that would be true before I fell in love with a soldier. When your other half is in a war zone, you are unbelievable greatful for just every second you get to speak to them. Without this contact, how little it may be, we couldn't go through it. We couldn't cope without them. And C. is with me every moment of my life, wherever I go, wherever I may be, I know he is there, because I have him in my heart and on my mind 24/7 and I am more than 100% sure I am in his chest as well. He took part of me with him. And with every phone call I get, with every letter I receive and with every line I read I get part from him back, until I have him by my side again. And I am so sure this will be the best feeling I've ever had in my life. And that is exactly what keeps me going. I know it was the worst thing I've ever done so far, saying good-bye to him that sunny Sunday when he had to leave. But I know as well that this feeling I have, when I have him back in my arms, will be so amazing that it's all worth it. Going through such a thing together can just make you stronger in the end. I am pretty sure about that. And that is a special feeling just someone can have who got through this journey. It is a long, horrible journey. But there are not just down-times. May the good days outbalance.
It's Sunday again. It's a really sunny and nice warm Sunday again. We crossed the border to October already. When I think back one week, I am happy I am seven days into my first deployment. I don't want this day a week ago back. Never. Never ever bring that day back, please. I remember the pain I had. Not just me, but C. as well. I remember curling up in bed like a little ball, wishing he would come back. I didn't stop wishing he was already back, but I changed the ball-position to a standing-up-position. Keeping your head up und marching on proud is obviously the only right thing to do. It is bloody hard, but it's the only thing you can do. I think I did perfectly well keeping myself busy during this week, till today. I worked from Monday till Friday, had some plans in the evenings, plus I know what i wanted to do at the weekend. But today it's Sunday again. It's Sunday... I actually wanted to catch up with my mate, but suddenly she couldn't make it. So i ended up by myself, not having a "plan B". I think these days are the worst. Ending up on your own, not knowing how to keep busy and how to get rid of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
C. is on my mind 24/7, whatever I'm doing, how busy I am. But today, time doesn't pass quick enough. I hate it when time sticks like glue. Pass, pass, pass! That's the only thing I want for the next five months and three weeks. Time flying by! So I have him back home safe soon. Soon! That's what he keeps on saying. "I'll be home soon. I'll be back before you know it." Seriously? How?
We shouldn't make the "waiting game" of it. Waiting game? Waiting in front of the phone. Waiting for the post man. Waiting for just any little contact from him. It makes it even worse. But sometimes I just can't help it. I really can't. Especially at days like this. I know there won't be any contact at all. But anyway, I am still waiting. Waiting for just any contact, waiting for the time to pass.
It's Sunday again. Sundays seem to be the worst. And it will be Sunday again in seven days. Which means again a week closer anyway.
I have never ever heard him complain about just anything. Never. He knew he has to go to Afghanistan. But anyway, he just cared about me. Until the very last second. He stayed calm until the day he had to go. I realized him becoming nervous then, and the only thing he said was "I'm sorry, the last thing you need now is me becoming weird". I have such a massive respect for a person like that. I was actually waiting for some change in his behaviour before he went. But it never came. It just came up for one or two hours the day before he had to go. 