6pm: "Good morning..."

It's the little things. It doesn't take much to make me smile. Me trying to deal with another separation from C. – OP Olympics. Horray. I'm still struggling with army life, separations, no contact. So I get a text from him at 6pm starting "Good morning..." and it made me smile from one ear to another. Me just finishing my work day and C. starting his night shift. Awkward, how we live two different lives. But it made me smile so much.

Getting a text around midnight going "I'm still working..." and then having one at 8am saying "I just finished and can't wait to do this again tonight" (his sarcasm) makes me feel close to him. Even though I am in a completely different routine than he is. 

It's the little things. These little texts keep me going. 

Yes, he's a soldier. Who else would text that way? 

My aim is to be happy when he is away, too. When he can't text. I need to learn that. If it's possible to learn happiness when you don't want to be happy. Can you learn happiness? It's the only way I will be able to cope in this life. Being happy, all the time. Not that I'm not allowed a bad day. Everyone has bad days, not just women in the military. But I need to find a balance. Urgently. 

My text back at 8am: "Sleep well, I'm thinking of you when I'm working."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

This is an often-used old saying. And it is very true. But it is easier said than done. For me, it's always a storm when C. is away. Not even on a deployment, but on leave back in England, on exercise, during the week, or currently on OP Olympics. There are all thes worries inside me. I was always worried about him, but after everything that happened after he came back from Afghan, I am worried about us, too. There's still this worry about him keeping in touch. When? How often? And more than anything: Will he be in contact? It sounds stupid. Even to me, sometimes. But then I suppose it takes more than a few months to get back to the trust I had. 

The storm to pass. Will it pass? One day? In my eyes, the whole army is a storm. Separation, separation, separation. Is there a way to deal with it all? I'm not sure. I'm not weak, but I hate separations.

The hardest part is to learn how to be happy when he's away. There will always be this overwhelming feeling of something that's missing. Longing for him. Every second that he's away.

How did I do Afghan? How did I manage seven whole months without him? Him being in a war zone, every moment in possible danger? Seven weeks without any contact at all? 

Now, he's gone for three, maybe four weeks. To England. And I am struggling more than ever. The question I have on my mind, is a relationship able to grow with a text once a day? Sometimes less? What kind of relationship can keep going with hardly any communication? Is it possible to grow love like a little flower when you are apart most of the time? 

Will I be able to handle all the waiting? Will I be able to trust him again, like I did before? Will I ever be able to truly smile when he's away, will I be able to sleep, to find some rest to feel comfortable, less lonely when he's not with me? Will I learn not to stare at my phone? Will I learn not to doubt him when he doesn't text? 

I am not feeling complete without him. Not even a little bit. Will I be able to cope? All these questions. 

Is it naive to think we can have a life together? Is love enough? One day he will go back to England. In a year and a bit he goes back to war. Is there a future for us? Is it impossible to be together? Is this a love against any rules? Are we fighting the world together? 

The price we pay to be with a soldier is high. So very high. Is it worth it? I miss him.