Hello Critics

I seriously wonder what’s wrong with you? I go weeks on end without a single word off C. I feel devastated. You know the love of your life is in a war zone, and you haven’t heard at all in a month time to make sure he is still alright. To make sure he will come back and to make sure he still loves me. I never asked for sympathy. I go through the day with a smile and desperately try and find comfort in my tears at night. But the bad feeling in my stomach won’t ever disappear. 

Then there are people who are getting the chance to speak to their men every single day. I always have an open ear for women in the same situation. But these people are coming around and tell me there is no way they can cope any longer with this tour? That it is too much stress to handle? Some might now think I’m mean, but when I answer absolutely harsh I am nothing else but honest. You haven’t got the worst! When I tell people to try and put themselves into my shoes, to try and just IMAGINE what it bloody feels like to go weeks and weeks and weeks on end without a SINGLE word from him, I get back “I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy what you go through now!” 

What? Wait. 

Your worst enemy wouldn’t even be able to imagine what it means not to speak to the love of your life for months when he is in a war zone. Your worst enemy wouldn’t even be able to do this a single day. And neither are you. 

No emails. No phone calls. Nothing!

No, I am not mean. No, I still don’t want any sympathy. But what I want is to bloody defend myself. I won’t let people telling me to get a grip who have absolutely NO CLUE about what pain feels like. About what being devastated means. About what facing the fears of my life means. 

But do you know what? I learned. I learned so much during the past six months (six months, wow!). And today I feel good. I hardly ever said I feel good recently. And now, in this moment, when I haven’t heard from C. in more than four weeks, I am able to say I feel good. And it makes me realize: I grow stronger. 

I spent the past days worrying. Screaming. Crying. Talking to my close friends about my deepest worries. Trying to understand what they want to tell me and to ease my mind. Letting them reassure me. Start to worry all over again. Worry about him. Worry about us. Worry about our precious relationship. Worry about that he won’t come back to me. I’m not worried about him to change, because I know he won’t. He didn’t change in five months so he won’t change during the last two. But I’m always, every day worried that he will change one thing. His opinion about him and me. 

 So yesterday, I was supposed to do brilliantly in my finals for my amazing apprenticeship. Well, I ask you, how would you ever be able to pass finals with best marks when your brain is in no single way able to concentrate on the stuff you are meant to have in your head in time? It is not possible. Not at all. In the end, I did it. I cried, I screamed and I worried all the time when I was supposed to revise. But I did it. 

Then, straight after, I had a car crash and the guy decided to hit and run. So I got the police involved and all that shit. Can you imagine that in every single second of whatever happens he is on my mind? Always. 

I don’t know what’s been going on yesterday, if it all was just a bit much for me in the end, but now I am able to say I feel good. I have issues. And I know about them. I think that is the first step into the right direction. I know I need to relax more. To tell my brain not to over think every single bit. To bloody not listen to my head but to my heart! And to accept things. 

So I say hello to you all again, and I ask you to criticize me once more now! Criticize me, because I will know how to deal with it! Criticize me, because do you know what? I am stronger now in every single way. I am stronger than each of you, and that’s what I know for sure. I am stronger than your words, because I learned it the hard way. Hello critics, I ask you again to try and handle what I go through! Come on, keep a smile on your face every day! When all you secretly want to do is hide and cry. When you know that you will never get what is able cheer you up. Hello critics, what I call you is weak! You say you can’t go through this deployment anymore? No I don’t want any sympathy at all, it won’t make me feel better anyways. Just open your eyes and see how bloody lucky you are. Every day.  

What have I got myself into?

It is now, 25 weeks down of this deployment, when I start to realize what I actually got myself into. I am three days away from my finals of my apprenticeship, and just guess what I am doing but studying? I sit here, my books at my side, knowing I won't be able to keep a single word in my mind. Thinking about him and if he is well and will be back home with me soon?

It's amazing 25 weeks down. Wow! Should I be proud? Excited? Should I be a bit more wise than before? I am nothing of all this. There's no need to be proud for me. I don't fight a war. There's no need to be excited yet, because it's not all over. Dates change daily anyways. And wise? Because I have been four weeks with a soldier before he deployed to Afghan, then experienced 25 weeks of him being away? I'm not sure what kinda advice I could give someone after this now. Should I be called strong? I highly doubt it. Many of my mates call me strong, because I go weeks without a single contact and I'm still standing here, waiting for him, where others would have surely left already. I don't feel strong. I'm just a woman like everyone else. And sometimes I think I have been the weakest of them all.

What I learned is to stay calm. I've always been a hectic and nervous person, I think this tour could have improved my character a little bit. 

Yet, I still wonder why I put myself through this hell? I think I found the answer here:

"Military Love • the greatest love ever known or felt. The weight of this love we carry, some women cannot grasp, while other women would die trying. We love our men just like you do, but unlike you with our love we have to know pain, seperation, and yes even death. That's why we'll always love harder and be stronger than anyone else."

Still I don't know how I was able to survive the past 25 weeks. I don't feel strong. I don't feel focused. But this thing about love, yeah I think that's true. People with normal lives would never ever be able to feel what we do. We already found what others search their whole lives for. We pay a high price though. The four days with C. made me realize it's all worth it. I just need to keep that in mind.

Is there an end in sight? Honestly? After 25 weeks, I think I should be able to say "yes". But for some weird reason, I am not. I know I won't be able to say the end is close until I'm in his arms again.

What did my life become? A waiting game? Did I learn much? Do I change for the better? Will it all pay off? I haven't got any answers. Will we be okay?

The endless journey

Why is it when we get closer to the end it feels even more endless? We take one step forward and two back. We add some days to the countdown. It becomes a dream that seems to never come true. It’s the only wish we have. It’s been long enough now. I really want him home.

It’s getting warmer now outside and it makes me realize it should have an end some point soon. On the other hand, it reminds me of the day he left me. It’s been this nice sunny Sunday I will never forget in my life. It’s slightly turning into spring now and he’s supposed to be home in spring. But will this day really come? My dream seems to be fading. The only wish I have in life is having him back with me. Will my wish come true one day? I’ve been waiting for so long already. It feels like a lifetime. I slightly lose my breath. 

I try to be patient. I try to be understanding and I try to take everything that’s thrown and me with womanly grace. 

There should be a limit of how much we have to take. Why is there no training for the ones left behind at home too? We should be more prepared. I wish I was more prepared. But I am afraid to prepare myself for the worst. I try to take each day as it comes, but all I want is the days to fly by or sleep until he is back with me.

Why is it the only thing you want is feeling like a dream that never comes true? Why are the days sticking like glue when you want them to pass as quick as possible? Well. We have to live a life even when they are away. I know. I know I have to get on with things and I did all the time, because I have to. I have a job I love, I need to concentrate on my exams to get a successful career. But it’s not easy. No one ever said it would be easy. I just want the days to pass, but then I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy every breath I take. But it’s impossible. All I want is having him home with me. I think about him 24/7, whatever I do, wherever I am. 

The worst moment is when you have an amazing dream and then you wake up to reality. No, he’s not home. He’s still away. The hard feeling in my stomach returns and my heart sinks. The touch isn’t real, the kiss is far away. I still can’t smell him. 

Why is it we wait for something so long, we torture ourselves, we go through the worst pain we could ever feel. Why is it the beginning felt easier than the end does? I’ve been waiting five months and I should be lucky it’s nearly done. If I just realize it could be over soon? It will never come around. Never. Well, that’s what it feels like for me. Why do seven months feel like a lifetime when a year just means nothing nowadays? Why is it law that time doesn’t pass when you’re waiting for something great to arrive? Why does he have to do away? I’ve asked questions at the beginning of this deployment and I still ask them now. 

I’ve been told to be lucky that he’s still alive and will come home to me. I wonder how they find the right to tell me? It’s not done yet, it’s not set in stone he comes home.            

The lost lines

We wait hours and days and weeks for just any form of contact. We wonder, we over think and yes, we do panic as well. It’s the hope for just any sign, but it won’t come. 

What’s happened? What have I done wrong?

You worry sick, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t concentrate on things you should concentrate on. “You have to get your mind clear!” I wish I could. I really do need a clear mind but it won’t happen.

What if you just find six messages in your inbox? That should have been delivered two months ago? It’s emotions and worries and more emotions and guilt.

You write and write and write and you try and fill every line, every word, every letter with joy and fun. When deep down you want to break, you write the cheeriest letters. Oh, how much did I write. It’s been so long. I don’t want to write anymore. I want to speak to him, I want to see him, I want to touch him. I want to smell his scent and feel the touch of his skin. But I can’t. 

It’s the cruelest thing to take the one you love the most away.  

What do words mean? Sentences? Letters? They mean so much to me I can hardly describe. If I ever hear from him again. I just need a word from him. What do my letters mean to him? I don’t know. He said to me all he wants is letters. I promised to give him letters and I didn’t break my promise. All I want is a smile on his face. All I want is him to be happy. I wish I could make him happy. I wish I was the one making him laugh.

Words and words and words. 

I just want to hear from him. I just want him home.