It is now, 25 weeks down of this deployment, when I start to realize what I actually got myself into. I am three days away from my finals of my apprenticeship, and just guess what I am doing but studying? I sit here, my books at my side, knowing I won't be able to keep a single word in my mind. Thinking about him and if he is well and will be back home with me soon?
It's amazing 25 weeks down. Wow! Should I be proud? Excited? Should I be a bit more wise than before? I am nothing of all this. There's no need to be proud for me. I don't fight a war. There's no need to be excited yet, because it's not all over. Dates change daily anyways. And wise? Because I have been four weeks with a soldier before he deployed to Afghan, then experienced 25 weeks of him being away? I'm not sure what kinda advice I could give someone after this now. Should I be called strong? I highly doubt it. Many of my mates call me strong, because I go weeks without a single contact and I'm still standing here, waiting for him, where others would have surely left already. I don't feel strong. I'm just a woman like everyone else. And sometimes I think I have been the weakest of them all.
What I learned is to stay calm. I've always been a hectic and nervous person, I think this tour could have improved my character a little bit.
Yet, I still wonder why I put myself through this hell? I think I found the answer here:
"Military Love • the greatest love ever known or felt. The weight of this
love we carry, some women cannot grasp, while other women would die
trying. We love our men just like you do, but unlike you with our love
we have to know pain, seperation, and yes even death. That's why we'll
always love harder and be stronger than anyone else."
Still I don't know how I was able to survive the past 25 weeks. I don't feel strong. I don't feel focused. But this thing about love, yeah I think that's true. People with normal lives would never ever be able to feel what we do. We already found what others search their whole lives for. We pay a high price though. The four days with C. made me realize it's all worth it. I just need to keep that in mind.
Is there an end in sight? Honestly? After 25 weeks, I think I should be able to say "yes". But for some weird reason, I am not. I know I won't be able to say the end is close until I'm in his arms again.
What did my life become? A waiting game? Did I learn much? Do I change for the better? Will it all pay off? I haven't got any answers. Will we be okay?
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