"Hang in there"

It’s well-known we can’t always speak to our soldiers when we want.  It’s hard, but we learn how to deal with it. But I am currently in a time he becomes silent. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month now. It sounds long, but it feels even longer.

To be honest, I can’t describe the feelings you have during such a time. It’s hard to find the right words. You don’t know whatever goes around his mind during the long time you haven’t spoken. It could have changed everything. You can never be entirely sure.

You waited nearly 18 weeks now, but it doesn’t feel as if it gets closer to the end. You lose control about things, you can’t handle some stuff and you don’t know how to deal with it. I remember when I said this is still the very beginning, and it feels I could still say it now. Even thou it shouldn’t be long until I’ll see him again. Shouldn’t I be happy? I suppose. But for some reason I can’t be. There are weird things going around in my head. No, I can’t get the words right.

I thought it was supposed to get better in time. But it gets worse. I can’t remember feeling that bad during the first couple of weeks. How can it get worse the closer you get to RnR? It doesn’t make sense. But what makes sense during a tour? Not very much. 

I’ve been told “hang in there”. I have no choice, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’ve been told “we’re all standing behind you, so you can’t take a step back”. I know I can’t. I have no choice. I won’t walk away after 18 weeks. But yeah, it is hard on me as well. I know our soldiers are fighting a war. But at least they know whenever they are alright. We don’t. Things might have changed. They might not have. I can’t be sure.

I’ve been told he will wonder as well. About me, about us. I don’t know.

“Hang in there”

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m sick of everything containing Afghan. I’m sick of the situation. I’m sick of not being able to talk. I can hardly keep all the pressure on my shoulders. I’ve been too strong for too long. I can’t get off this thing. And it makes me sick. Yes I’m angry. And I have a right to be angry. To be angry with me, to be angry with him. Even to be angry with Afghan, the country itself. I am so angry I’ve never been in my whole life.

But I haven’t wasted the past 18 weeks and will take a step back now. I might need one to have a better view about things though. But for now I am not gonna leave this hell.

“Hang in there”. I will. I promised and I will. 

Apologies

You are always waiting for just the tiniest bit of contact you can get. I haven't heard from C. in a good while now. Today I was just randomly checking my mails and I was surprised to see one of him. It always makes my heart skip a beat. I was so glad and happy I heard from him. However, this mail leaves me quite confused as well. He didn't stop apologizing for like half a page and left me with "I shouldn't have said what I said". Ah well, it would have been nice if you told me what you're on about!! To be honest, I have absolutely no idea why he thinks I am angry. Sometimes I really wish I could follow his chain of thoughts. He leaves me with a good bit of confusion but it makes me smile

Yeh, he sent me a mail with lots of apologies. I'm not just confused about what he apologizes. On the one hand I think he really has a hell of a lot to apology for. But on the other hand I wouldn't ever want him to apology for a single bit. 

I knew I wouldn't forget you

No one said it would be easy. I didn’t expect it to be easy. It gets better at times, but then it gets worse in exchange. 

I don’t stick to him because I am someone special who is made of tough stuff. No, I am for sure not born for this life. And I don’t think that anyone would ever be made for this. I am not tougher than others. Far from it! I am more scared about it than ever. You just learn to adjust. Because you have no choice. Well, you kinda have. You always have the choice to walk away. To leave the love of your life. Because he is an infantry soldier? It couldn’t have been true love when I decide to turn around just half way of our first tour and let him do this alone. Even though it would be the easiest way to walk away. I don’t feel loved or wanted. In fact, it’s exactly 23 days ago since I last spoke to him. 

I didn’t choose this life. 

It’s hard to focus on something with the constant change we experience. Once your heart can settle into some little routine, it’s again thrown out of it and all hopes are run over by a tank.
 

It’s been 16 ½ weeks since I last saw him. It’s been too long the last time I experienced the smell of his skin or the touch of his kiss. I don’t know what a hug feels like anymore.
 

Songs awake memories. Happy ones that make you sad and suffer even more. But you still listen to those songs. You need to keep the memories alive as much as you can, because they keep you through. As much as they cause pain, memories are building that bridge that you have to cross.
 

“Your sweet moonbeam

The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny”

As the saying goes “take each day at a time, one step after another”. Oh well. I wish I could. They speak about a six weeks course that will take part straight after tour. Just try and simply add six weeks, when your heart is focused on the month for him to come back?

Well. Don’t live the future when you haven’t survived the present yet. There are certain things you can’t change as much as you worry about them. You have to accept it. I am in that process, but it is not easy. I am a stubborn and ambitious person.

Yes, it would be the easiest for me to walk away.  

Every teardrop is a waterfall

I always tried to stay positive. But I can't always be the supportive brave woman I am supposed to be. No one can. 

I feel the tears burning into my skin whilst running down my cheeks. I hate crying. I never cry in front of people. But I cry in front of pictures. I cry listening to songs that keep memories awake. I cry into my pillow each and every night to hopefully find my sleep eventually.

Tears won't bring him home any sooner. I know. But sometimes I can't hide them. 

A woman told me I should stop complaining because I knew he was in the army. Oh well. Yes I knew it. But what I didn't know is what to expect. No one gave me a guide that says things like

"You will go three weeks without speaking to him"
"You can't control your emotions sometimes"
"You will go through the worst pain you probably ever felt"
"You will loose most of your civvi mates because they can't deal with your emotions"
"You can't sleep at night"
"Your heart will ache for just the most little contact"
"You will forget what he sounds, smells and tastes like"
"You will forget what a hug and a kiss feels like"


I could go on and fill a novel with examples. Do you see the point? I didn't know what to expect at all. And I don't think it's gonna end with this tour either. I haven't got any idea about what life will be like when he gets back and I'm dreading it.

I knew he was in the army. True. But can we choose who we fall for? I wish we could. I simply fell for my man! When will people start to understand. I can't choose the love of my life. I'm glad I found him and I won't let him go because of his job.

Yes, I do complain. And I have a right to complain. I complain on my mates who understand, so I don't get it off his shoulders when he calls eventually. I talk to my mates a lot about walking through this hell so I can keep his letters all cheery as he expects them to be. Yes, I do complain. But don't blame me, because I have a lot on my shoulders as well and I still have to be strong for my soldier too. 


He's trained to deal with everything that's thrown on him. I've literally been thrown into it all. I try to grab the ground with my feet, but as soon as they just hardly touch it, a new wave shakes it and I loose my hold.

An ice-cold heart

I asked for the coldest heart a human could get. I wanted it to make things more bearable for me. With a cold heart, I thought, it would be easier to get through it. To get through a day without wearing a mask. To enjoy every single second without wishing my life away. To get him off my mind and stop the endless worry. Feeling the ice growing in my chest has to make it easier. It has to freeze the tears that fill a whole ocean.

But what I got in exchange was completely different. It doesn’t make things easier. Not at all. Sometimes it makes it even worse. I am able to feel the most overwhelming love. I am able to feel close to C. even though a couple of countries separate our touch. Sometimes I can’t stop to shed tears. But what I feel in my chest is not the coldness of an icy winter day. What I feel is a glowing red circle.

It was for a reason I didn’t get the cold heart. A cold heart would probably make it easier. But a cold heart wouldn’t ever be able to get through it till the very end. A cold heart isn’t able to keep all the amazing memories you need to get through. It’s not able to grow the strength. A cold heart might seem stronger, and yes a warm heart might be easier to hurt. But as soon as it comes to the absolute pressure, a cold heart will easily crack like a wee ice cube, whilst a warm heart will feel a hardly bearable pain.

A cold heart is for the evil and weak. But a warm heart is for the bold. Just a heart of pure selflessness, unconditional love and the patience of an angel can keep you through. It’s easily hurt, but when it’s taken away by a soldier it grows stronger and stronger even though it endures the worst pains.

I asked for an ice-cold heart and what I got was a heart of pure gold.

The sound of his laugh

We have reached a new year again, and it is still a few days old. I still wonder if 2012 might be the year of my life. I won’t know until I lived the next 354 days to the fullest. But one thing is sure for me: I won’t be able to enjoy this year for the first 4 months, until C. gets back from his deployment eventually.

In 2011, I learned what it means to let Afghan rule my life and not being able to do anything against it. In the past year, I went from a normal civvi girl to an army girlfriend. And this little event changed my life completely. For normal girls it’s just like… oh, you have a new boyfriend. Nice! But for me, it is completely different. I knew from the very first moment what will expect me. Not for a single second I could enjoy the amazing feeling you get when you’re loved up. That moment we fell in love, Afghan started to take over my life. I had to grow my own bulletproof vest to be able to deal with all the things that are thrown on me. And I learned to never take it off. Not for a single second. It didn’t appear from the moment I needed it, and that is why I got hurt so easily in the beginning. Not that it got easy now. But I kinda learned how to deal with all the emotions and obstacles that show up every day. I learned that I just can’t help some problems, how much I would ever scream and cry it won’t solve them. I learned that I won’t receive his letters, for what reason ever, we still don’t know and I didn’t get a Bluey since early November. However, it makes me appreciate those four little letters I got during the first four weeks even more and in 15 weeks of this deployment I haven’t ever stopped reading through them.

People keep on telling me I should think about all the good times C. and I had when I’m down. I tried it a couple of times, but it caused just tears and pain. Yes, it does feel as if I lost him a little bit. I don’t know what he smells like, sometimes when I don’t hear out for longer, I even forget what he sounds like. But every night before I go to sleep I think about the sound of his laugh which I could never forget. 

The DOs and DON'Ts during a deployment

If you're just up to go through a deployment, here you go with a couple of helpful things I experienced during the past 15 weels to keep you going:

First, before he goes out, be aware that it won't be an easy thing. Don't do it for someone you're not deeply in love with. It's gonna be a tough 6/7 months. Don't get yourself on this emotional rollercoaster if you're not entirely sure the person you're doing it for is absolutely worth it. 

DO's

1. Keep busy! Don't sit around over thinking everything. 
2. Take one day at a time. Take every day as it comes. 
3. Try and stay positive! Don't dwell around in the negatives. It will make it worse. How had it will ever be, there are not just negative points. Keep in mind you will come out the other side so much stronger and as a so much better person. 
4. Do sports. Hit the gym, go running or whatever sport you like. If you don't do anything, you should start a new thing for sure. I do Judo for 12 years now and it absolutely helps me to get my mind off things and to get into a positive mood.
5. Go out! Have a girl's night out, or even a night in. Just don't sit at home alone. If you can't go out, make sure you speak to your friends on the phone or online. It still gives you company. 


DON'Ts

1. Don't listen to rumours. The army is full of them.
2. Don't do the waiting game. Sitting around staring at the phone won't make him call any sooner and makes the time drag.
3. Don't let it get yourself down everytime. Of course you will have some down days. But may the good days outbalance. 

My dear love civvi girl

I know you won't ever understand just a wee bit what it feels like going through a deployment, and I don't for any reason want to make you feel bad, but I want you to appreciate what you've got and that you should be so lucky. 


Have you realized there are people having their loved ones away for longer than a weekend? And did you know they are not away on a drinking trip but they went out to fight a war? No you haven't? Well, you should have a read about the following then.


I know you complain about your boyfriend's behaviour. I know you keep on arguing lots with him. You realize it sucks to argue. But you know what? I'd give a leg to have an argument with my boyfriend. But we never argue, because we don't spend enough time together to do so. 

Do you know how much time I spend with my boyfriend? Well, I actually haven't got an answer. Because it depends on when the army takes him away again. After he's just been away for 6/7 months. And no, I don't complain. I knew before he has to go. But just to make sure you get it right – I didn't choose this life. I simply fell for my man. And him being an infantry soldier would never keep me away from loving him unconditionally. I got to hear "I could never get through this" so often. And do you know what? All I can do is smile about it. Because it just makes me realize even more that C. and I will have something so special none of you could  ever imagine to have. Because you don't know what it means to be thousands of miles apart, and still be able to feel close. You have no clue about the worry I have each and every day, hour, minute and second of these 6/7 months. You cannot realize what it feels like not hearing a single word of the love of your life for weeks. Yes, I said weeks. And you can never be entirely sure if he's doing alright. No, never. Until your phone rings, you pick it up and it's him and no one else. And then you wait and worry again, and you don't know for how long. And you complain when your boyfriend doesn't text you all day?

And don't you miss cuddling up to your man when he's gone for a weekend? Yes, you know my man is gone for 6/7 months. You think I am used to an empty bed? WRONG. I will never get used to this empty bed. It's cold and scary and all that makes it seem a little better is his shirt I snuggle up to each and every night. And I do so for roughly 200 nights. 

You are too tired to stay with your man tonight? We keep up all night until the next morning because we don't want to miss a thing. We don't sleep. Not for a single minute. No, C. and I hardly slept before he went out in late September. We met at 1am after work and we stayed awake together until work called the next morning again. I was without sleep for about two weeks, just to catch every second I can get with him. Because I knew I need it to get me through those 6/7 months of separation. Because we never knew when it will be the last time we got to see in each other's eyes or feel the touch of a kiss.


Does your boyfriend train for his football game? My man is trained to kill. 


You have doubts in your boyfriend's loyalty? I can't. I trust C. with my life. I am not allowed to have any doubts in our relationship because it would put him on risk. He needs to focus on the job, not on the relationship. No, our relationship is not number one. His safety is.

What we do is selfless. Not always because we want to, but because we have to. Because we stand to our men.

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."

And yes, sometimes we need to be reminded of the faith we have to have as well. Be sure that I am not always the strong person I should be. Be sure that when you see me on the streets, I am always wearing my mask. Always, each and every day. You think you have lots on your shoulders? Yes, you might have. Everyone carries a different package. 

And do you know why I know all these things? Because I have been a civvi girl as well and waisted so many years of my life with what I thought was love. But oh how wrong have I been. It was not even close to what true love means. And do you want to know what true love means? It means not to mind a ten second phone call that wakes you up at 4am even tho you have work the next day. It means to wait, wait and wait again, for a call that will be cut off by the crap signal anyways. It means to write down so many lines to catch every detail of your daily life every day to make him feel closer to home. It means to give so much, and get so little back. And no, even tho you want it so badly, he won't be able to call you more often! You have to be the rock, every single day, even tho you need a shoulder to lean on so urgently. But there is none. You have to be strong for these long months. You are so unbelievable far apart, but conquer every single mile with this special love you share. With each and every day he's gone, we get closer to him coming home. We beat some miles every time we can cross another day off the calender. I give everything, all I want to reach each day is making him smile with those lines I write down. I wanna be the one who makes him smile, even when he's thousands of miles away. And all this and so much more is what unconditional love stands for. I can barely get the words right, because they don't explain what we feel or go through.

Be lucky you have your man safe and sound. 

Please.

Tears of happiness

Once I got back from work and checked out my phone I found two text messages. I opened them and recognized an unknown weird number. I stopped walking in shock. I couldn't move for some seconds and then I just bursted in tears. I cried for at least half an hour. 

And for the first time in many weeks, it was not tears of sadness. Those tears were tears of happiness, unconditional love and relief. 

I  got my first two texts from Afghan. 14 long weeks I didn't receive a single text from C. All I did was staring at my phone, reading through those lines over and over, and crying like a little baby. You don't know that two little texts can mean the world unless you are madly in love with an infantry soldier being in a war zone.