"Hang in there"

It’s well-known we can’t always speak to our soldiers when we want.  It’s hard, but we learn how to deal with it. But I am currently in a time he becomes silent. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month now. It sounds long, but it feels even longer.

To be honest, I can’t describe the feelings you have during such a time. It’s hard to find the right words. You don’t know whatever goes around his mind during the long time you haven’t spoken. It could have changed everything. You can never be entirely sure.

You waited nearly 18 weeks now, but it doesn’t feel as if it gets closer to the end. You lose control about things, you can’t handle some stuff and you don’t know how to deal with it. I remember when I said this is still the very beginning, and it feels I could still say it now. Even thou it shouldn’t be long until I’ll see him again. Shouldn’t I be happy? I suppose. But for some reason I can’t be. There are weird things going around in my head. No, I can’t get the words right.

I thought it was supposed to get better in time. But it gets worse. I can’t remember feeling that bad during the first couple of weeks. How can it get worse the closer you get to RnR? It doesn’t make sense. But what makes sense during a tour? Not very much. 

I’ve been told “hang in there”. I have no choice, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’ve been told “we’re all standing behind you, so you can’t take a step back”. I know I can’t. I have no choice. I won’t walk away after 18 weeks. But yeah, it is hard on me as well. I know our soldiers are fighting a war. But at least they know whenever they are alright. We don’t. Things might have changed. They might not have. I can’t be sure.

I’ve been told he will wonder as well. About me, about us. I don’t know.

“Hang in there”

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m sick of everything containing Afghan. I’m sick of the situation. I’m sick of not being able to talk. I can hardly keep all the pressure on my shoulders. I’ve been too strong for too long. I can’t get off this thing. And it makes me sick. Yes I’m angry. And I have a right to be angry. To be angry with me, to be angry with him. Even to be angry with Afghan, the country itself. I am so angry I’ve never been in my whole life.

But I haven’t wasted the past 18 weeks and will take a step back now. I might need one to have a better view about things though. But for now I am not gonna leave this hell.

“Hang in there”. I will. I promised and I will.