It's Christmas eve

It's Christmas eve and I think it is a good day to summarize some of the good things that this journey will bring. It's unreal how a friendship can grow when you go through the same awful thing. You always get to know new people who have loved ones out in the desert. And you have to keep them around you to stay sane.

It's Christmas eve and it's been 13 days since I last heard out from C. I know he won't be able to ring me over the festive period as phones will be even more busy. To be honest, it's never been so long I haven't heard from him. What to keep in mind is that he will be thinking of you every minute, not just around Christmas but every day he's not able to call. 

He's never far from my thoughts, wherever I am, whatever I am doing. I am missing him always, and of course it gets worse at Christmas. 


In Germany, in the UK and everywhere else in the world it's Christmas eve. Is it Christmas eve in Afghanistan as well? I'd like to answer this question with a quotation from a brave soldier:

Some will spend the day relaxing and playing games. 

Some will spend the day patrolling through the bazaar. 

Some will have the luxury of a cooked turkey dinner. 

Some will be eating yet another ration pack. 

Some will spend time on Skype to there families. 

Some won’t even get the chance to ring home.

Some will go to bed full of Christmas cheer and food.

Some won’t sleep because they will be on duty.

Sgt. Steve Blake, Helmand

Remember this Christmas when you're eating your dinner, smiling and laughing, that in another house there's an empty chair where a hero should be sitting. They gave up their lives so you could sit with your family, so light a candle for the heroes who did not make it back and for those who are still serving out in Afghanistan. Show some respect for each of them. 

To my lovely boyfriend, I miss you loads each and every day and I'm thinking of you every second you're not with me. Stay safe in the sands, this Christmas and until you get back. I won't be celebrating much, because it won't be the same without you. 

 I love you and I cannot wait for RnR, not long to go now.

What's it like?

What’s it like to have the love of your life on the other side of the world? It is bad enough you can’t share your daily life. You can’t see him whenever you want, you forget what he smells and tastes like. But in fact, he is not just on the other side of the world. He is in a combat zone. You have no number you can call when you want to speak to him. He is not able to call you every day. He is not even able to make a call once a week at some points. You live with the motto “no news is good news”. I said it a couple of times before, but it is so true. How desperately you ever want to hear his voice, a silent phone is a good phone.
   

What’s it like to have the love of your life in a war zone? You are so used to the 21^st century communication. Mobile phones? Nope. E-Mail? Nope. Landlines? Nope. Internet? Nope. You are not able to simply send a text and get one back. How to stay sane? You sit for hours and hours every night on your laptop and write the very last thing of your day down to send it through the absolutely fabulous eBluey system out to Afghan. You keep on writing and writing. We are now about 3 months into our tour and I’m sure C. has nearly got an entire book from me by now. I am currently writing on eBluey #134. The last time I spoke to him he said “I got about a hundred letters from you the other day” and my heart skipped a beat. It is absolutely amazing when you know he receives these little things from you. 

What’s it like to write a letter to your love in Afghan? Well, different. The night C. left me, I sat on my laptop trying to find the right words for this special first letter. I struggled a lot, even tho normally it is so easy for me to get the words right. Today I keep on writing, writing, writing. I went downstairs to get a drink and messed it all over my dress, just as usual. I fell down the stairs again. I just bruised my arm by trying to get into the car. It is just all the silly, little things that happen to me. They make him smile. I show him I am still the same person I was when he left me. That I haven’t changed a lot and he will get me back how he knows me. I give him all the little things from home to make him feel closer to me. I make him smile and laugh whilst trying to explain my well-known clumsiness to the very last detail. But there are not just those cheery silly letters. I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait till you get back. I feel incomplete without you. It is hard not being able to speak to you whenever I want. I just looked up the news. But whatever will come, I love you and you will be back soon. Whenever I struggle, I don’t write it down to him. He’s got enough on his shoulders right now. I make sure he knows that he’s missed, but that I am able to cope. Whenever I cannot control my emotions, I keep on writing the mad letter. I write it all down, let my anger, fears, sadness, tears and whatever out, but I keep the letter for me and sometimes I keep on reading them. I wonder if I will show them to C. when he gets back.

I still treasure those four letters I got from him. I haven’t read them for a while. After that, I read them again and they make me cry even more. Well, if you’re not in love with an infantry solider, you won’t ever get those special blue love letters as well. From the day I got each of them, they are directly next to my pillow. Whenever you feel lonely, miss him, lie in an empty bed, forget what he sounds or smells like, read through these little letters. They keep you sane and they make you feel so much closer to him. I know that his first letter has exactly 23 lines. 

Well, what is it like then to have the love of your life in a combat zone? I can barely describe it. Words are not enough for this time. You have fears, of course. You miss him every second until he gets back. You feel lonely most of the time. You have to deal with the pressure of your everyday business life and add all the pressure that is on your shoulders because of all your worries. But see all the good sides of this journey. Yes, I am sure there are good sides. Nearly three months into this tour, I’m not convinced about them, but I can already sense them. You treasure every little contact you get, and if it is a one minute phone call. You don’t argue in the little time you get with each other. You explore unknown ways of expressing your love. You survive the distance somehow. You feel so far away, but I am sure once he got back we are closer than anyone else. 

Just hang in there. The half way point is nearly there. Just keep going. Be strong, make your soldier strong. Send him cheeky grins. Make him laugh. Give him everything from home he can’t have. Make sure you tell him how much he’s loved. And if it’s a hundred times in each letter. Make sure he knows he’s missed, but that you’re fine. 

This is tough, but we are tougher.        

Christmas is upcoming

With Christmas getting closer, I think this journey is getting harder. Even tho I found kinda routine eventually and I don't panic directly when I don't hear out from C. for some weeks at all, it is so hard seeing all these loved up couples especially during this time of the year.

I wish I could tell every girl that is complaining about her boyfriend being away for a couple of days or weeks how lucky she is. I wish I could tell every girl whos boyfriend goes on holiday alone how lucky she is. I wish I could tell every girl how lucky they are having their boyfriends safe. 

But I know I shouldn't complain as long as I don't receive any bad news and I know C. is doing alright. Can you imagine this is quite hard to keep in mind? All you want is a simple phone call of your other half being in Afghan. You know he must be busy. You know he misses you as much as you miss him. You know he feels the same loneliness. But you still want to speak to him, after days or weeks of waiting and not hearing from him. You try and understand he just didn't get the chance to call.

"No news is good news"

Of course. This is so hard to keep in mind. But it is so true. I always have to remind me how lucky I am that C. is alright. When the love of your life is in a war zone, it is the little things you learn to appreciate. Even tho you want to have a phone call of him, you are glad your phone is quiet and you don't get any bad news. Even tho you are hundreds of miles away, you know you are still under the same sky and he is looking at the stars during the night as well as you are.

You never tell him how hard it really is for you because you want him to concentrate on his job. You have to be the rock even tho you need one yourself as well. You get to hear

"this place is the one people cross before they go to hell"

What makes it feel you like when you get to hear something like that from the love of your life? You want to cry, scream and just get him out of that country but as you can't, you sit down and write a letter to him. Not a sad or soppy one, but a cheery and funny one to make him smile as much as you can in that hell. 

It might be hard for me, but I cannot imagine how hard it has to be for him.