He broke
the silence. A few days ago. I got a brief email and my heart stopped for a
second.
I didn’t know what to expect, would he be angry, sad or upset? But in
the end, I was wrong.
“I love
you and I’ll be back soon”
All I want
is it to be over NOW. I’ve truly been at my limits, with nearly seven weeks
without
contact at all. I kinda learned to take control over my mind when all
it’s doing is going crazy
and thinking mad stuff about why he still hasn’t
contacted.
I suppose
it’s nearly over and done with. But it still doesn’t feel like it will ever
end. Is there
ever going to be some kind of “normality” some point soon? My
life turned upside down
since I madly fell for a soldier.
I want to
be honest. During the past weeks, I went through the biggest amounts of
emotions
a human can probably stand. It’s been the most amazing four days when
I had C. home on
RnR. But what followed after that, blew up nearly every
experience I had so far. These
seven weeks of silence did cruel things to me. I
went from “I’ll be okay” to “why is this
happening to me” to “why is this JUST
happening to me” (it felt like it’s been just me) to
“he must hate me” to “Right, I don’t give a fuck anymore”. After that last stage (there
were surely more
than these four but it would take ages to list them) I came to the point
where
I nearly broke a couple of times. I came to the point when I no longer believed
in
our love or in our relationship. To the point I thought the past six months
weren’t worth
the pain. The only thing that ever got me through this deployment was his love. But during
these seven weeks of no contact, there was no love. Well,
no love I could see, hear or
read. But I could probably feel it. Otherwise I
wouldn’t still be here, waiting.
I said I
want to be honest. Sometimes I thought he hates me. Sometimes I thought I hate
him. Most of my friends told me – again – he couldn’t be serious if I still
haven’t heard.
To leave him. It might be hard, but how could I ever leave him? In
the end I couldn’t even
tell him how I feel because there is not contact! How
ironic. Anyways, just some people
keep on putting faith back into my heart. Keep
on telling me to not listen to my brain at
the moment. And I swear – without them
I wouldn’t stand here now. They are what I call
friends for life. And they are
so important – always, but especially in times when my mind
goes crazy and starts
telling me things to prepare me for the worst. Because they have
a clear view
on what’s happening to me.
So, 6 ½ months
of tour are done. What’s happening after C. comes home – I don’t know.
I don’t know a date, I don’t know anything. It fears me. But hey, didn’t they say you
have to
face your worst fears for the one you love?
