It's Christmas eve

It's Christmas eve and I think it is a good day to summarize some of the good things that this journey will bring. It's unreal how a friendship can grow when you go through the same awful thing. You always get to know new people who have loved ones out in the desert. And you have to keep them around you to stay sane.

It's Christmas eve and it's been 13 days since I last heard out from C. I know he won't be able to ring me over the festive period as phones will be even more busy. To be honest, it's never been so long I haven't heard from him. What to keep in mind is that he will be thinking of you every minute, not just around Christmas but every day he's not able to call. 

He's never far from my thoughts, wherever I am, whatever I am doing. I am missing him always, and of course it gets worse at Christmas. 


In Germany, in the UK and everywhere else in the world it's Christmas eve. Is it Christmas eve in Afghanistan as well? I'd like to answer this question with a quotation from a brave soldier:

Some will spend the day relaxing and playing games. 

Some will spend the day patrolling through the bazaar. 

Some will have the luxury of a cooked turkey dinner. 

Some will be eating yet another ration pack. 

Some will spend time on Skype to there families. 

Some won’t even get the chance to ring home.

Some will go to bed full of Christmas cheer and food.

Some won’t sleep because they will be on duty.

Sgt. Steve Blake, Helmand

Remember this Christmas when you're eating your dinner, smiling and laughing, that in another house there's an empty chair where a hero should be sitting. They gave up their lives so you could sit with your family, so light a candle for the heroes who did not make it back and for those who are still serving out in Afghanistan. Show some respect for each of them. 

To my lovely boyfriend, I miss you loads each and every day and I'm thinking of you every second you're not with me. Stay safe in the sands, this Christmas and until you get back. I won't be celebrating much, because it won't be the same without you. 

 I love you and I cannot wait for RnR, not long to go now.

What's it like?

What’s it like to have the love of your life on the other side of the world? It is bad enough you can’t share your daily life. You can’t see him whenever you want, you forget what he smells and tastes like. But in fact, he is not just on the other side of the world. He is in a combat zone. You have no number you can call when you want to speak to him. He is not able to call you every day. He is not even able to make a call once a week at some points. You live with the motto “no news is good news”. I said it a couple of times before, but it is so true. How desperately you ever want to hear his voice, a silent phone is a good phone.
   

What’s it like to have the love of your life in a war zone? You are so used to the 21^st century communication. Mobile phones? Nope. E-Mail? Nope. Landlines? Nope. Internet? Nope. You are not able to simply send a text and get one back. How to stay sane? You sit for hours and hours every night on your laptop and write the very last thing of your day down to send it through the absolutely fabulous eBluey system out to Afghan. You keep on writing and writing. We are now about 3 months into our tour and I’m sure C. has nearly got an entire book from me by now. I am currently writing on eBluey #134. The last time I spoke to him he said “I got about a hundred letters from you the other day” and my heart skipped a beat. It is absolutely amazing when you know he receives these little things from you. 

What’s it like to write a letter to your love in Afghan? Well, different. The night C. left me, I sat on my laptop trying to find the right words for this special first letter. I struggled a lot, even tho normally it is so easy for me to get the words right. Today I keep on writing, writing, writing. I went downstairs to get a drink and messed it all over my dress, just as usual. I fell down the stairs again. I just bruised my arm by trying to get into the car. It is just all the silly, little things that happen to me. They make him smile. I show him I am still the same person I was when he left me. That I haven’t changed a lot and he will get me back how he knows me. I give him all the little things from home to make him feel closer to me. I make him smile and laugh whilst trying to explain my well-known clumsiness to the very last detail. But there are not just those cheery silly letters. I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait till you get back. I feel incomplete without you. It is hard not being able to speak to you whenever I want. I just looked up the news. But whatever will come, I love you and you will be back soon. Whenever I struggle, I don’t write it down to him. He’s got enough on his shoulders right now. I make sure he knows that he’s missed, but that I am able to cope. Whenever I cannot control my emotions, I keep on writing the mad letter. I write it all down, let my anger, fears, sadness, tears and whatever out, but I keep the letter for me and sometimes I keep on reading them. I wonder if I will show them to C. when he gets back.

I still treasure those four letters I got from him. I haven’t read them for a while. After that, I read them again and they make me cry even more. Well, if you’re not in love with an infantry solider, you won’t ever get those special blue love letters as well. From the day I got each of them, they are directly next to my pillow. Whenever you feel lonely, miss him, lie in an empty bed, forget what he sounds or smells like, read through these little letters. They keep you sane and they make you feel so much closer to him. I know that his first letter has exactly 23 lines. 

Well, what is it like then to have the love of your life in a combat zone? I can barely describe it. Words are not enough for this time. You have fears, of course. You miss him every second until he gets back. You feel lonely most of the time. You have to deal with the pressure of your everyday business life and add all the pressure that is on your shoulders because of all your worries. But see all the good sides of this journey. Yes, I am sure there are good sides. Nearly three months into this tour, I’m not convinced about them, but I can already sense them. You treasure every little contact you get, and if it is a one minute phone call. You don’t argue in the little time you get with each other. You explore unknown ways of expressing your love. You survive the distance somehow. You feel so far away, but I am sure once he got back we are closer than anyone else. 

Just hang in there. The half way point is nearly there. Just keep going. Be strong, make your soldier strong. Send him cheeky grins. Make him laugh. Give him everything from home he can’t have. Make sure you tell him how much he’s loved. And if it’s a hundred times in each letter. Make sure he knows he’s missed, but that you’re fine. 

This is tough, but we are tougher.        

Christmas is upcoming

With Christmas getting closer, I think this journey is getting harder. Even tho I found kinda routine eventually and I don't panic directly when I don't hear out from C. for some weeks at all, it is so hard seeing all these loved up couples especially during this time of the year.

I wish I could tell every girl that is complaining about her boyfriend being away for a couple of days or weeks how lucky she is. I wish I could tell every girl whos boyfriend goes on holiday alone how lucky she is. I wish I could tell every girl how lucky they are having their boyfriends safe. 

But I know I shouldn't complain as long as I don't receive any bad news and I know C. is doing alright. Can you imagine this is quite hard to keep in mind? All you want is a simple phone call of your other half being in Afghan. You know he must be busy. You know he misses you as much as you miss him. You know he feels the same loneliness. But you still want to speak to him, after days or weeks of waiting and not hearing from him. You try and understand he just didn't get the chance to call.

"No news is good news"

Of course. This is so hard to keep in mind. But it is so true. I always have to remind me how lucky I am that C. is alright. When the love of your life is in a war zone, it is the little things you learn to appreciate. Even tho you want to have a phone call of him, you are glad your phone is quiet and you don't get any bad news. Even tho you are hundreds of miles away, you know you are still under the same sky and he is looking at the stars during the night as well as you are.

You never tell him how hard it really is for you because you want him to concentrate on his job. You have to be the rock even tho you need one yourself as well. You get to hear

"this place is the one people cross before they go to hell"

What makes it feel you like when you get to hear something like that from the love of your life? You want to cry, scream and just get him out of that country but as you can't, you sit down and write a letter to him. Not a sad or soppy one, but a cheery and funny one to make him smile as much as you can in that hell. 

It might be hard for me, but I cannot imagine how hard it has to be for him. 

Phone calls

Before C. went out, I had no imagination about how contact would be. Now I am nine weeks into my first tour and I can say: I still haven't got a clue how often I will hear from him. Sometimes I don't hear out for weeks, and then I am lucky and get two calls in a row.

I always thought it would be difficult to speak to him on the phone, that he would just be tired, exhausted and in a crappy mood. But it's not like that. I still never heard him complain. He used to say "this weather sucks" or "I miss you so much I really can't wait to get back", but is this complaining? I doubt it. I heard many army wives or girlfriends moaning about their soldiers on the phone being all negative. I haven't experienced something like that yet. I am still wondering how he is doing it, how he's always sounding so happy everytime he calls me.

What I never know is with what random thing he comes up with the next time he calls. "I'm sitting on a motor bike" I've heard a couple of times now and that doesn't impress me anymore I have to say. Last night when he phoned it was "I'm lying on a helicopter field right now". Oh, really? Something new, not just the motor bike! His way of dealing with everything makes me just really happy. 

But it's not just the silly things in his phone calls that are cheering me up, it is those lovely ones as well. Hearing him saying "all your pictures are in my bed" is just the best thing ever. Hearing him saying "I can't be really happy over here, but when I speak to you I am" makes me proud. 

All these special things he gives me through one of his rare phone calls make me appreciate them so much. Everything he says makes the whole waiting so much worth it. And every moan I hear from another army girlfriend about their soldiers behaving wrong on the phone makes me realize I have found my perfect match. I'd rather speak to him less and have an amazing conversation after two weeks of waiting than getting a call every couple of days and having a less special talk to him.

He gives me everything of him he can give me through every call he does. He gives me little pieces of him back. He gives me memories, moments I can remember during the time he's not able to call. He gives me cuddles, kisses and hugs with every word he says. He gives me everything I need to get through this tour. 

And during the time we don't speak, may it be days or weeks, I know we are thousands of miles apart, but secretly really close. Because I know when I miss him he does the same. I know when I wish he was with me, so does he. I know every moment I think about him, the moments we shared together, he is thinking about me and our memories as well. 

We are never far apart, because our hearts are bonded.

Day 55

I thought day 55 would have been a good one. I finished C.s Christmas parcel and it was ready for its long way to my love in the desert. Day 55 was one of these sunny Sundays. I think I start to fear these sunny Sundays now. 

What do you feel when your other half's regiment appears on the news? 

I have no words for this feeling. Your heart skips a beat. Maybe two. You get an unbelievable shocking shiver down your back. And you can't breathe. You try to believe you should know by now, but you're never 100 per cent sure.

I thought I could find words for nearly everything, but this journey of a tour is full of emotions I just cannot fit into simple words. I'd say it was fear. I'd say it was helplessness. I'd say it was simply the wish to just be able to hug him and make sure he's alright. The wish that would never come true through the following months.

The mask

When I look into the mirror in the mornings, I see a pale tired face. I see a restless soul and an always working mind. I see a single tear running down my cheek in silence. And I see that mask upcoming for the day. That mask that I have to wear each and every day, that I put on every morning to get me through it. People see me smiling and joking, but they don't see what is behind it. 

People see me handling the stress of a busy day, but they don't see how much more pressure is on my shoulders. People don't see me falling. They don't see me writing letters under tears, they don't hear me screaming in pain, they don't see me looking at pictures and reading through the same lines for hours and hours. 

People ask me how I am doing, how I am coping and I answer "I am fine". No one knows how I really feel, no one sees the mask I am wearing. They just don't know what you go through when you are in love with an infantry soldier. They don't know what it feels like having the love of your life in a war zone. They don't know what it feels like not being able to speak to him for days and weeks. They don't understand the fear, the tears, the pain. They don't understand what it feels like when they say "have you heard of that death in Afghan". 

But they don't understand what it feels like when I get to speak to C. finally after two weeks either. They don't know what unconditional love means. They don't even know that they won't ever be able to feel this love for a person. 

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." 

Khalil Gibran

They don't know that all the waiting will be worth it. With every time I hear "How do you do this, I would never be able to do it" I know that they just don't have a single clue about what true love means. To conquer the distance. To beat the days and weeks with no contact. To face the fears of your life. To have sleepless nights. To wish and wish and wish and wish and getting no answers.

It's been said distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. For those willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough...

People don't know what it means to express all your feelings in writing downs hundreds and hundreds of lines. But they will never know the feeling of receiving some lines in exchange as well. They will never know that you can't get bored of reading through these lines again and again even though you already know them by heard. They will never understand why you read through them in tears, each and every night.

And that is why you just don't make any effort to explain it to them. You can't understand all these feelings, until you experienced walking through this hell yourself. 

I don't know what it feels like to get my infantry soldier back yet, but what I know after walking through this hell for eight whole weeks now is that it will be so worth it. All the pain, the fears, the sleepless nights, the tears, the lonely days. I will get a life in exchange to all that afterwards, that no one can ever dream of. I will get my infantry soldier back and I will have the most amazing and beautiful feeling after these months of waiting. And it is the overwhelming love that I feel in every phone call, in every letter I get that keeps me going. The love I get back from Afghan. The love I feel when he says "I miss you and I love you". That is exactly what will get me through it. It will be so worth it.

The ups and downs

Before C. went out, I remember saying to my mate "I just wish the first six weeks were already done". Well. Now we are seven weeks into this tour. Seven weeks from 24 at all. Does it get easier? I suppose it should. I suppose I should have adjusted to the whole situation. Maybe it does. Easier? I'm still not too sure if that is the right word for this whole thing. Nothing about it is "easy". Living outside the UK doesn't make it "easier" either. It causes lots of trouble and obstacles to jump over. Not too sure if I always can jump over them swanky, but if not I just have to run it over.

The four letters C. sent to me kept me through the days and weeks with no contact. The letters on their way to me kept me going. But now, I just got to know that they won't get to me anymore. Those little wee parts of my other half can't be delivered. Cheers post service. Cheers Germany. It was always a comfy feeling knowing there is something of C. on its way to me. That some day, whenever it may be, this important and amazing blue letter will be on my doorstep. But now? I know there is nothing. There is nothing from him on its way to me. I can be happy I already got four of those boosts to keep my chin up. I swear I know each of them by heart. However, it's such a negative feeling knowing there won't be any blue letters for me again.

At the moment, everything literally is taking the piss. There's so many things upcoming I just can't sort out even though I try my very best. It's just not in my hands. Everything seems to loose control a little bit. I really hope I will get control of things back soon. I really want to. And I try my very best. I want to do this tour properly.

Whatever might have happened, we are still seven weeks into this tour. That means just five weeks left till we reach our half way point. Which is Christmas. 

It's still quite a few days to go till I'll see my other half again. It's always new obstacles upcoming. There will be days after days and weeks with no contact again. But when I get him on the phone eventually, and hear him say "it's amazing to speak to you", I know I can do this. I know I can get through this for him. When he tells me "we will spend every bank holiday together next year" my heart skips a beat and when he says "we will do something so not Christmassy next year's Christmas" I so look forward to it. And when he tells me that he misses me so much I just know that he feels exactly the same way that I do, even though I actually knew it before. 

When my phone rings after two weeks no contact at all and it is finally him on the other end, it's just the best feeling you can get during a tour. It really is. And when it is not just a ten minutes phone call but a 45 minutes one it is just more amazing. When the infantry soldier you fell in love with tells you he keeps all your pictures around his so called bed space, you just know that he suffers as much as you do. When he tells you he dreams of you each and every night, your heart grows stronger and you know it is so much worth it to go through. Every single day is worth the suffering, the tears, the fear.

The four letters

When you're in love with an infantry soldier, you appreciate every little bit you get to hear from him whilst he's on tour. You even go back to what feels like mid ages in nowadays. I never thought I would ever wait for the post man. I never thought I would get excited about a letter. About a letter! In times of smart phones and facebook? Hell, yeah! If you are in love with an infrantry soldier being on tour in Afghan, you don't just get excited about a letter, you literally flip out and jump around like a mad woman! You start waiting for the post man each and every day, hating him when he doesn't bring your loved blue letters and loving him on the few special days he does, and hating the Sundays when there is no post delivered. 

But when you get one of those little blue letters, it's just a buzz literally. You try to open it so quick and read through it then read through it again and again and again until you're sure you got every single bit of it right and until you nearly know it by heart. 

The four letters I got during the first three or four weeks were my rock. During times C. wasn't able to call for longer than expected, I read through them every night. I read through them, until I feel closer to him eventually. Sometimes I just couldn't read them anymore because of all the tears. I often cry when I read through them. It is such a roller coaster of emotions. I cry because I am happy he loves me so much that he uses that little down time he gets to write letters to me. I cry because I am happy about the words he wrote down. I cry because I miss him so much. I cry because I wish he would be back. I cry because of the weeks that are still in front of us. We don't just cry when we are sad. Often we cry when we are happy. I can't even always tell why i cry. It's too many emotion inside me. 

But the four letters I received keep me trough it. They are priceless. They are always next to my pillow, so I can read them each and every night before I go to bed. 

And I hope there will be more letters arriving on my door step soon. Thank you for your letters.

When his voice just makes my soul complete

It is just one thing that my heart and mind need to feel better again. It is simply hearing his voice. Simply hearing him say a few words. 

"I'm good. I miss you. I love you. And I'll be home soon."


That's all I need. My heart feels so light the moment I get to speak to him. It misses a beat the second he says "Hello". It starts to beat faster during our little conversation. It misses a beat again when he says "I call you back when I get the chance." And it just calms down a few minutes after I got off the phone. 

My mind is completely useless during our conversations. I have millions of questions on my mind each and every day. But when he calls eventually, everything is just gone. Gone. I can't think straight anymore. What's going on? What happens to me? I don't know. I think it is just simply the fact that I get to speak to my other half again. I get to speak to him again, often after days and days and more days of waiting, of hoping, of thoughts and thoughts and prayers. My mind just doesn't work anymore in a moment my heart takes over control of my body.

Dealing with the uncertainty

Being in love with an infantry soldier causes many ups and downs, and not just during a deployment. I think four weeks into my first tour, it is a good point to write down some lines about how I experienced the building up to C.s deployment. Ah well, the deployment... we knew about it for months. But the only thing that was missing was an exact date. Exact date? A loanword. Nothing is for sure. We were lucky, as we got the date of departure about two weeks before. Some just get it days before they have to leave. Well, what we got to know days before D-Day was that C. had to work his last day he spent in Germany. They made him work his very last day, this sunny Sunday I spoke about so very often. They made him work his last day he should actually spend with family and friends. They just made him work. Oh well, he's getting the Friday off instead of the Sunday then. That would be quite nice. It would have been, if they didn't decide two days later they apparently don't deserve another day off as the other flight just didn't get another one either. Really? Well, we can't help it anyway. Just get used to the changing dates. Get used to it? Three days before he has to deploy? Just a single question: how? The emotions are all over the place anyway. You just want to spend every single second with your love. You just want to keep so many good memories. So so many memories to get you through the following six months. You just want to enjoy every single second that is left for just you two. But they just made him work on his last day when he actually was supposed to see his friends. They just made him work. They don't deserve another day off because the other flight didn't get one either? They don't deserve another day off before a six months tour full of bloody hard work and living on little food and little sleep? Are you being serious? Well, obviously yes. We can't help it anyway. They said it, so it counts. So, that is the reason why C. and I got up about 0630 that sunny Sunday morning which was supposed to be a really nice day. Well, a nice day for anyone else. It turned to hell for me. I had to take back my infantry soldier to his camp and say this final good-bye to him which I was afraid of for weeks. But I learned not to call it good-bye, but it is "See you soon".

But even whilst they are on tour, no date is for sure. We haven't even got a clue when he will get his leave. They will get to know in the very last second anyway. And even then, I'm 99 per cent sure they will delay it. I'm prepared for a delayed leave now. I am prepared to wait a couple of days or even weeks more than planned. Yes, I am prepared now. But when it comes to that point, I know for sure I won't be prepared at all. As I just want to see him after a long time of separation. I just want to hug him and give him all my love I was just able to give him through letters and parcels during the past couple of months. I just want to have him back so desperately. And that's why I won't be prepared anyway, even though I know for sure it will be delayed. 

I don't know so many dates. I don't know when I will see C. next. I don't know when he will come back from his tour. I don't know when I will hear from him next. I don't know so many things at the moment. The only thing I know is that I have to get used to this uncertainty. I have to get used to it, because I love my infantry soldier. 

The first milestone

We reached it: our first milestone. This is a month done. Part one of six at all is over now. I'm so glad the first bit is done. I really am. It has not been easy though. At the same time the first month is over, I am without contact with C. for ten days at all now. Ten days without being able to make sure wether he's alright or not. Ten days without hearing his voice. Ten days without being able to speak to the love of your life. And no one knows how many days will follow.


Anyway, the first month is done. And I am so glad about every day that is behind us. A month closer to him coming home. A whole month. Five to go. It feels like a lifetime in the beginning. I don't know if this feeling will pass. I just know that six months are seriously feeling like a lifetime. You look at the events you will miss together. You look at the time you will spend apart. You are just looking forward to that bright golden day, which is his homecoming day. 

But what about the time you are wasting? Is it wasted time you spend apart? I doubt it. After the first four weeks I already learned so much. I learned so much about the army. I think I will learn so much more about the army. Some things I actually don't want to learn to be fair. I learned the hard way that when they say "I will call you tomorrow" it is for 99 per cent sure they won't. Probably for 100 per cent. I learned the hard way that they are not able to do even one call a week, if their schedule is that strict. I learned the hard way that waiting by the phone doesn't make him call any sooner.

And I learned the hard way that you just don't know how strong you are, until you have no choice other than finding that strength. You just have no choice. I learned not to loose my faith. Just keep it. Keep the faith. Be patient. Of course there are times, I feel like I'm just loosing my head. When I can't focus. But being focused is another important part of this journey. I learned that in my four weeks as well. It can be hard at times, very hard. But it's the only thing that stops you from loosing your mind. 


Being in love with an infantry soldier is anything else but easy. Being in love with an infantry soldier currently deployed in Afghanistan makes it even worse. But the only thing you can do is keeping your faith. Believe he will call again as soon as he gets the chance. And be sure that you will arrive the second milestone, which is in four weeks.

For my very special one

I just wanted to write some lines down about the person who has all my respect. I still have no idea how he is doing it. How he is going through this, with all that on his shoulders. How he could stay so calm until the very last minute. 

I have never ever heard him complain about just anything. Never. He knew he has to go to Afghanistan. But anyway, he just cared about me. Until the very last second. He stayed calm until the day he had to go. I realized him becoming nervous then, and the only thing he said was "I'm sorry, the last thing you need now is me becoming weird". I have such a massive respect for a person like that. I was actually waiting for some change in his behaviour before he went. But it never came. It just came up for one or two hours the day before he had to go. 

A couple of weeks before he deployed, he gave me his lucky Union Jack. He said "You need it more than I do". I told him he is going into a war zone, he should take it with him again as it brought him luck in Iraq. And the only thing he replied was "You know I'm a lucky bugger, believe me, you need it more."

Well, I am happy to say that this is the person I will share my life with again, when he comes back from Afghanistan. 

There is a time

There is a time when you don't know what your other half is doing right now on the other side of the world. There is a time when you can't just switch off your mind, how hard you try. There is a time when you stick to your phone more than anything else. There is a time you cancel all your meetings and plans, just to sit right next to your phone. There is a time when they just can't call home.

You have no idea when they will be able to call you next. But when you haven't heard out for so many days, it just hits you in the face. You're just wondering and wondering, you become angry with yourself. You stick to the news even though you know you shouldn't. Can we help it? Not at all.

In the end, the one thing we should always keep in mind is that no news is good news. Even though I am sooo sick of that saying! I've heard it so many times in the last couple of weeks. But anyway, it's true. It's hard not being able to speak to the love of your life, but you have to cope with it. The other thing we should keep in mind is that their job is the most important thing during the time of a deployment. C. is on my mind 24/7. That doesn't mean that I am on his all the time as well. He is out there to do a job. He is out there to make the life of millions of people better. He is out there to safe their lives. 

He is a true life hero. They are not able to call home anytime they want. That's what we should keep in mind. And there is a time, when they are not able to have the contact. Even tough he wants to speak to me as badly as I want to speak to him. And I know the next time he gets a chance, he will grab a phone and let me know everything's gonna be alright.

Falling apart

The first week without any contact at all. I just always try to understand. My brain does understand it. It's just my heart that doesn't, I think. With everyday, I feel more falling apart. Sometimes I just can't control my emotions, they just take control of my body. In the first moment, I just want to cry so badly. That is followed by a huge anger. Anger with myself and that I just can't go through it the way I want me to. Anger with this whole tour. Anger with the army. Even anger with Afghanistan, the country itself. Afghanistan. It's just a word really, isn't it? It became so dreadful to me. Afghanistan. Afghan. This anger takes control of me. I just want to scream, just want to hit something, just let everything out. I even want to destroy things, punch anything that comes along my way. But after that, I just feel so weak. Literally weak. My legs couldn't stand my body anymore. My legs were to weak to carry me. 

Sadness, anger and weakness are emotions that will go this very long way with me I think. And nervousness. Nervousness is one of the worst I think, because it causes the panic attacks. This rollercoaster of emotions is always caused by nervousness. Being nervous, because you haven't heard out in days. You just didn't have any contact at all. The phone is still glued to you, but you already gave up your hopes that it will ring. It will ring, eventually. No one knows how long it will take. How much time will pass. But the only thing we can focus on, is that it will ring eventually. Always keep in mind: He would call, if he could. How often did I hear this sentence in just the past three weeks? God. Stopped counting. But in the end, this sentence is so true. Of course he will call as soon as he just gets the chance! It is just very hard to keep that in mind at times like this. At times, when I haven't heard out in days. It fears me that he might not be able to call in weeks. It really does. But I just have to believe, he will call as soon as he can. He will. He definitely will. Until then, I am still falling apart.

Five missed calls, five lost chances

I didn't feel so bad since C. has left. I just looked at my mobile after a nice and busy day at work. And the only thing I saw was that I just missed five calls of him. I just missed them. My little world stopped for a single second. I hold in, just staring at my phone. I just stood there, staring. I couldn't believe it. It was obvious that I'll miss a call one day. But he had my work phone number, so I didn't expect to miss a call on my mobile during work time. I was not prepared. And I didn't miss one call, I missed five calls in just 30 minutes.

Now there are questions again. Stupid questions, and no answers. 

I just missed a chance to speak to him. I missed an amazing chance to hear his voice. It was heart-breaking. It really was. Five missed calls. What if he wanted to tell me something important? What if... well what if? What if it was the last time I would ever get a chance to speak to him? I am not allowed to let that thought just near my mind. Not even close to it. It even is a bloody nightmare without this thought. 

The only thing you can do in such a situation is to see the positive things in it. Positive things? Well, it is hard enough to miss a call. But it is even harder if you missed five at all. And if you are not able to call back, it is not just hard, but horrid. You just have to wait. But yeah, if you think about it, there are positive things. First: he tried to call. He misses me. He loves me. He tried to speak to me. He wanted to hear my voice as badly as I wanted to hear his'. Second: he is doing alright. If he's able to call me, he's fine. Third: he'll call back in a bit. At least, I really do hope so. I really do.

I am so sorry I missed your calls. I really am. 

Answers and questions

I heard so many things about how it will be to be left behind at home. I heard so many many things about these special six months. 

I asked many silly questions. I got serious answers. Answers that were daunting. Answers that got my hopes up. Answers that scared me or kept me calm. But in the end, all these answers were honest. It is a daunting time. It definitely is, not doubt about that. But after just 15 days, I can already tell it is such a special time as well. Not many couples get the chance to have this special kind of contact and communication. To get to know each other better in a very personal way, but just so many miles apart. If that makes sense? 

Well, we don't have a choice anyway. Of course it would be so much easier if we could just choose who we fall in love with. But I fell in love with a soldier. I had to fall in love with an infantry soldier who is on tour in Afghanistan. So I have no choice. I have to see the positive side of these six months. I have to, otherwise I couldn't cope. 

But as many answers I already got before he deployed, as many questions I have on my mind now. Questions I will never tell. Questions I can barely think about without breaking down. Questions, questions. Stupid questions. Silly questions. Questions that are doing my head in. Questions that are stressing me out big style. But in the end, there are no answers. There seriously are no proper answers, because the experience I made after just 15 days is that everyone can just tell what they experienced theirselves. But you have to experience your own journey. You haven't got a choice. It is so bloody different for everyone. It definitely is. The main thing is: do not count on the answers you get. Just don't. Because it may and probably will be different for you anyway. It is just too easy to get your hopes up. Getting your hopes up for a couple of phone calls every week but it will be just one in the end. Getting your hopes up for many messages but having just a little one a month in the end. Getting your hopes up is just too easy. Better expect nothing, and everything else will be a bonus then.

I got answers before C. left, but I have questions now he's gone. I got my hopes up before C. left, but I learned very quickly in just 15 days. In the end, the only thing you need to have is faith. Just faith. And bring amounts of patience as well. These two things will get you to your inner strength you need. Do not worry a single second about not being strong enough to do these six months. As there is no choice. There seriously is no choice when you fell in love with a soldier. And faith and patience will take you to this strength. I haven't reached it yet. Definitely not. Not after just 15 days. But I am sure I will get there. Because I have faith. And I have patience. Because I just have to. And I will. At some point, I will. Probably not tomorrow, probably not next week. But maybe the week after.

The very first letter - cracking on

That was my second week then. The second week on my own. The second week of 24 weeks at all. I'm still at the very beginning of this long journey. And there were already so many ups and downs during these two weeks. I got my third phone call from the sand pit. I got my very first message from C. But the best thing was, that I had a little down on Saturday, because I've been told C.'s letters may not get to me because he sent them to a German civvi address. What was good about that? That I received his first letter exactly that day. It was so ironic. As if he wanted to say "Ha, as if my letters won't reach you!". I keep this little blue letter with me, wherever I go. It is so special. It is not just a letter. These 23 lines mean the world to me. I never thought I would wait for the post man nowadays! I never thought I would, until I fell in love with an infantry soldier.

But what can we do? Nothing at all. Nothing? We can do a little bit, at least. We can give support. We can give our soliders a feeling of home, bring them a bit closer to us. They are the receiving end of the support. But that doesn't mean they can't support us as well. Us – the ones they left behind at home. They do support us with every phone call they make, with every line they write down, with every letter they send or with every message they leave us. All these little things make you buzz. They make your day. Even a ten-second phone call can make your day so much brighter. I didn't think that would be true before I fell in love with a soldier. When your other half is in a war zone, you are unbelievable greatful for just every second you get to speak to them. Without this contact, how little it may be, we couldn't go through it. We couldn't cope without them. And C. is with me every moment of my life, wherever I go, wherever I may be, I know he is there, because I have him in my heart and on my mind 24/7 and I am more than 100% sure I am in his chest as well. He took part of me with him. And with every phone call I get, with every letter I receive and with every line I read I get part from him back, until I have him by my side again. And I am so sure this will be the best feeling I've ever had in my life. And that is exactly what keeps me going. I know it was the worst thing I've ever done so far, saying good-bye to him that sunny Sunday when he had to leave. But I know as well that this feeling I have, when I have him back in my arms, will be so amazing that it's all worth it. Going through such a thing together can just make you stronger in the end. I am pretty sure about that. And that is a special feeling just someone can have who got through this journey. It is a long, horrible journey. But there are not just down-times. May the good days outbalance. 

Week 1 - One week closer

It's Sunday again. It's a really sunny and nice warm Sunday again. We crossed the border to October already. When I think back one week, I am happy I am seven days into my first deployment. I don't want this day a week ago back. Never. Never ever bring that day back, please. I remember the pain I had. Not just me, but C. as well. I remember curling up in bed like a little ball, wishing he would come back. I didn't stop wishing he was already back, but I changed the ball-position to a standing-up-position. Keeping your head up und marching on proud is obviously the only right thing to do. It is bloody hard, but it's the only thing you can do. I think I did perfectly well keeping myself busy during this week, till today. I worked from Monday till Friday, had some plans in the evenings, plus I know what i wanted to do at the weekend. But today it's Sunday again. It's Sunday... I actually wanted to catch up with my mate, but suddenly she couldn't make it. So i ended up by myself, not having a "plan B". I think these days are the worst.  Ending up on your own, not knowing how to keep busy and how to get rid of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
C. is on my mind 24/7, whatever I'm doing, how busy I am. But today, time doesn't pass quick enough. I hate it when time sticks like glue. Pass, pass, pass! That's the only thing I want for the next five months and three weeks. Time flying by! So I have him back home safe soon. Soon! That's what he keeps on saying. "I'll be home soon. I'll be back before you know it." Seriously? How?

We shouldn't make the "waiting game" of it. Waiting game? Waiting in front of the phone. Waiting for the post man. Waiting for just any little contact from him. It makes it even worse. But sometimes I just can't help it. I really can't. Especially at days like this. I know there won't be any contact at all. But anyway, I am still waiting. Waiting for just any contact, waiting for the time to pass. 
It's Sunday again. Sundays seem to be the worst. And it will be Sunday again in seven days. Which means again a week closer anyway. 

The very first call - The journey has begun

I felt so weird the last days. It's day three of about twohundred. It is the very beginning and so many days ahead, but anyway something makes me very happy right now. I waited for it every moment of the past three days. I waited for it since C. called me from the German airport, just a second before he was boarding to Afghanistan.That was the last time i heard from him. And I waited for a call. I waited for this first call. I waited for him to tell me he arrived safe, he is doing alright and he loves me. And he called me tonight. 

It was a buzz. 

I actually expected a quick call again. But it was different. He just sounded so happy. He sounded really happy. I expected him to be very busy and exhausted and just mad, but he was happy to hear my voice. He spoke as if he was just in his room in his camp in Germany. It was unbelievable to hear his voice. It made me feel so close to him. I could write a whole novel about this 20-minutes phone call. Well, I could do that about the ten-second phone call he gave me from the German airport as well. The only feeling I have is overwhelming love. I miss him, but I love him hundred and hundred times more.

The journey has started now. Hopefully under 200 days to go. 

The hardest good-bye

A short introduction of myself before I start my story. I am a 20-year old girl who madly fell in love with an infantry soldier a couple of weeks ago. I knew him for a couple of months and he was always there if i needed someone to speak to. I never thought there would be more than friendship. But he was there for me, every single day. After a couple of weeks, I knew him better than anyone else. And what I knew from the first day was that he is deploying to Afghanistan at some point in September.

Well, so far the background. What date is it today? It's a nice, sunny Sunday. "A beautiful day", how C. would call it. I bet it is a relaxing day for most of you. What day is it for me? Well, it is the day i was afraid for for two months. It is "D-Day", how many army wives and girlfriends call it. The day when my lovely soldier has to deploy for six months. 

This day made me struggle so much. Can I make it? Will I get through it? Well, you can't decide who you fall in love with. And he took away my heart. So I have to go through it. I don't know how yet, but I will.

We had some awesome weeks together. We shared many memories. We laughed together. And we cried together while speaking about him going away. We had some special last hours together. He painted me a picture to remind me of him whilst he is away. And then I took him back to his camp in the early morning of this sunny Sunday, because they made him work on his last day in Germany. It was the most heart-breaking thing I've ever done. I wasn't meant to cry, but I just couldn't help it. "I'll be back before you know it", that is the sentence he told me about a hundred times the last days. Back before I know it? I wish it was that way. He hasn't even left yet.

Just people in the same situation know how daunting it really is. Do you know what it feels like having a broken heart inside your chest? Because your other half is going into a war. Do you know what the last kiss feels like? The very last hug? The very very last glance at each other? My God. I never felt like that before. I can't even describe this feeling.