The mask

When I look into the mirror in the mornings, I see a pale tired face. I see a restless soul and an always working mind. I see a single tear running down my cheek in silence. And I see that mask upcoming for the day. That mask that I have to wear each and every day, that I put on every morning to get me through it. People see me smiling and joking, but they don't see what is behind it. 

People see me handling the stress of a busy day, but they don't see how much more pressure is on my shoulders. People don't see me falling. They don't see me writing letters under tears, they don't hear me screaming in pain, they don't see me looking at pictures and reading through the same lines for hours and hours. 

People ask me how I am doing, how I am coping and I answer "I am fine". No one knows how I really feel, no one sees the mask I am wearing. They just don't know what you go through when you are in love with an infantry soldier. They don't know what it feels like having the love of your life in a war zone. They don't know what it feels like not being able to speak to him for days and weeks. They don't understand the fear, the tears, the pain. They don't understand what it feels like when they say "have you heard of that death in Afghan". 

But they don't understand what it feels like when I get to speak to C. finally after two weeks either. They don't know what unconditional love means. They don't even know that they won't ever be able to feel this love for a person. 

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." 

Khalil Gibran

They don't know that all the waiting will be worth it. With every time I hear "How do you do this, I would never be able to do it" I know that they just don't have a single clue about what true love means. To conquer the distance. To beat the days and weeks with no contact. To face the fears of your life. To have sleepless nights. To wish and wish and wish and wish and getting no answers.

It's been said distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. For those willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough...

People don't know what it means to express all your feelings in writing downs hundreds and hundreds of lines. But they will never know the feeling of receiving some lines in exchange as well. They will never know that you can't get bored of reading through these lines again and again even though you already know them by heard. They will never understand why you read through them in tears, each and every night.

And that is why you just don't make any effort to explain it to them. You can't understand all these feelings, until you experienced walking through this hell yourself. 

I don't know what it feels like to get my infantry soldier back yet, but what I know after walking through this hell for eight whole weeks now is that it will be so worth it. All the pain, the fears, the sleepless nights, the tears, the lonely days. I will get a life in exchange to all that afterwards, that no one can ever dream of. I will get my infantry soldier back and I will have the most amazing and beautiful feeling after these months of waiting. And it is the overwhelming love that I feel in every phone call, in every letter I get that keeps me going. The love I get back from Afghan. The love I feel when he says "I miss you and I love you". That is exactly what will get me through it. It will be so worth it.