I knew I wouldn't forget you

No one said it would be easy. I didn’t expect it to be easy. It gets better at times, but then it gets worse in exchange. 

I don’t stick to him because I am someone special who is made of tough stuff. No, I am for sure not born for this life. And I don’t think that anyone would ever be made for this. I am not tougher than others. Far from it! I am more scared about it than ever. You just learn to adjust. Because you have no choice. Well, you kinda have. You always have the choice to walk away. To leave the love of your life. Because he is an infantry soldier? It couldn’t have been true love when I decide to turn around just half way of our first tour and let him do this alone. Even though it would be the easiest way to walk away. I don’t feel loved or wanted. In fact, it’s exactly 23 days ago since I last spoke to him. 

I didn’t choose this life. 

It’s hard to focus on something with the constant change we experience. Once your heart can settle into some little routine, it’s again thrown out of it and all hopes are run over by a tank.
 

It’s been 16 ½ weeks since I last saw him. It’s been too long the last time I experienced the smell of his skin or the touch of his kiss. I don’t know what a hug feels like anymore.
 

Songs awake memories. Happy ones that make you sad and suffer even more. But you still listen to those songs. You need to keep the memories alive as much as you can, because they keep you through. As much as they cause pain, memories are building that bridge that you have to cross.
 

“Your sweet moonbeam

The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny”

As the saying goes “take each day at a time, one step after another”. Oh well. I wish I could. They speak about a six weeks course that will take part straight after tour. Just try and simply add six weeks, when your heart is focused on the month for him to come back?

Well. Don’t live the future when you haven’t survived the present yet. There are certain things you can’t change as much as you worry about them. You have to accept it. I am in that process, but it is not easy. I am a stubborn and ambitious person.

Yes, it would be the easiest for me to walk away.