The sound of his laugh

We have reached a new year again, and it is still a few days old. I still wonder if 2012 might be the year of my life. I won’t know until I lived the next 354 days to the fullest. But one thing is sure for me: I won’t be able to enjoy this year for the first 4 months, until C. gets back from his deployment eventually.

In 2011, I learned what it means to let Afghan rule my life and not being able to do anything against it. In the past year, I went from a normal civvi girl to an army girlfriend. And this little event changed my life completely. For normal girls it’s just like… oh, you have a new boyfriend. Nice! But for me, it is completely different. I knew from the very first moment what will expect me. Not for a single second I could enjoy the amazing feeling you get when you’re loved up. That moment we fell in love, Afghan started to take over my life. I had to grow my own bulletproof vest to be able to deal with all the things that are thrown on me. And I learned to never take it off. Not for a single second. It didn’t appear from the moment I needed it, and that is why I got hurt so easily in the beginning. Not that it got easy now. But I kinda learned how to deal with all the emotions and obstacles that show up every day. I learned that I just can’t help some problems, how much I would ever scream and cry it won’t solve them. I learned that I won’t receive his letters, for what reason ever, we still don’t know and I didn’t get a Bluey since early November. However, it makes me appreciate those four little letters I got during the first four weeks even more and in 15 weeks of this deployment I haven’t ever stopped reading through them.

People keep on telling me I should think about all the good times C. and I had when I’m down. I tried it a couple of times, but it caused just tears and pain. Yes, it does feel as if I lost him a little bit. I don’t know what he smells like, sometimes when I don’t hear out for longer, I even forget what he sounds like. But every night before I go to sleep I think about the sound of his laugh which I could never forget.