Every teardrop is a waterfall

I always tried to stay positive. But I can't always be the supportive brave woman I am supposed to be. No one can. 

I feel the tears burning into my skin whilst running down my cheeks. I hate crying. I never cry in front of people. But I cry in front of pictures. I cry listening to songs that keep memories awake. I cry into my pillow each and every night to hopefully find my sleep eventually.

Tears won't bring him home any sooner. I know. But sometimes I can't hide them. 

A woman told me I should stop complaining because I knew he was in the army. Oh well. Yes I knew it. But what I didn't know is what to expect. No one gave me a guide that says things like

"You will go three weeks without speaking to him"
"You can't control your emotions sometimes"
"You will go through the worst pain you probably ever felt"
"You will loose most of your civvi mates because they can't deal with your emotions"
"You can't sleep at night"
"Your heart will ache for just the most little contact"
"You will forget what he sounds, smells and tastes like"
"You will forget what a hug and a kiss feels like"


I could go on and fill a novel with examples. Do you see the point? I didn't know what to expect at all. And I don't think it's gonna end with this tour either. I haven't got any idea about what life will be like when he gets back and I'm dreading it.

I knew he was in the army. True. But can we choose who we fall for? I wish we could. I simply fell for my man! When will people start to understand. I can't choose the love of my life. I'm glad I found him and I won't let him go because of his job.

Yes, I do complain. And I have a right to complain. I complain on my mates who understand, so I don't get it off his shoulders when he calls eventually. I talk to my mates a lot about walking through this hell so I can keep his letters all cheery as he expects them to be. Yes, I do complain. But don't blame me, because I have a lot on my shoulders as well and I still have to be strong for my soldier too. 


He's trained to deal with everything that's thrown on him. I've literally been thrown into it all. I try to grab the ground with my feet, but as soon as they just hardly touch it, a new wave shakes it and I loose my hold.