I know you won't ever understand just a wee bit what it feels like going through a deployment, and I don't for any reason want to make you feel bad, but I want you to appreciate what you've got and that you should be so lucky.
Have you realized there are people having their loved ones away for longer than a weekend? And did you know they are not away on a drinking trip but they went out to fight a war? No you haven't? Well, you should have a read about the following then.
I know you complain about your boyfriend's behaviour. I know you keep on arguing lots with him. You realize it sucks to argue. But you know what? I'd give a leg to have an argument with my boyfriend. But we never argue, because we don't spend enough time together to do so.
Do you know how much time I spend with my boyfriend? Well, I actually haven't got an answer. Because it depends on when the army takes him away again. After he's just been away for 6/7 months. And no, I don't complain. I knew before he has to go. But just to make sure you get it right – I didn't choose this life. I simply fell for my man. And him being an infantry soldier would never keep me away from loving him unconditionally. I got to hear "I could never get through this" so often. And do you know what? All I can do is smile about it. Because it just makes me realize even more that C. and I will have something so special none of you could ever imagine to have. Because you don't know what it means to be thousands of miles apart, and still be able to feel close. You have no clue about the worry I have each and every day, hour, minute and second of these 6/7 months. You cannot realize what it feels like not hearing a single word of the love of your life for weeks. Yes, I said weeks. And you can never be entirely sure if he's doing alright. No, never. Until your phone rings, you pick it up and it's him and no one else. And then you wait and worry again, and you don't know for how long. And you complain when your boyfriend doesn't text you all day?
And don't you miss cuddling up to your man when he's gone for a weekend? Yes, you know my man is gone for 6/7 months. You think I am used to an empty bed? WRONG. I will never get used to this empty bed. It's cold and scary and all that makes it seem a little better is his shirt I snuggle up to each and every night. And I do so for roughly 200 nights.
You are too tired to stay with your man tonight? We keep up all night until the next morning because we don't want to miss a thing. We don't sleep. Not for a single minute. No, C. and I hardly slept before he went out in late September. We met at 1am after work and we stayed awake together until work called the next morning again. I was without sleep for about two weeks, just to catch every second I can get with him. Because I knew I need it to get me through those 6/7 months of separation. Because we never knew when it will be the last time we got to see in each other's eyes or feel the touch of a kiss.Does your boyfriend train for his football game? My man is trained to kill.
You have doubts in your boyfriend's loyalty? I can't. I trust C. with my life. I am not allowed to have any doubts in our relationship because it would put him on risk. He needs to focus on the job, not on the relationship. No, our relationship is not number one. His safety is.
What we do is selfless. Not always because we want to, but because we have to. Because we stand to our men.
"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."
And yes, sometimes we need to be reminded of the faith we have to have as well. Be sure that I am not always the strong person I should be. Be sure that when you see me on the streets, I am always wearing my mask. Always, each and every day. You think you have lots on your shoulders? Yes, you might have. Everyone carries a different package.
And do you know why I know all these things? Because I have been a civvi girl as well and waisted so many years of my life with what I thought was love. But oh how wrong have I been. It was not even close to what true love means. And do you want to know what true love means? It means not to mind a ten second phone call that wakes you up at 4am even tho you have work the next day. It means to wait, wait and wait again, for a call that will be cut off by the crap signal anyways. It means to write down so many lines to catch every detail of your daily life every day to make him feel closer to home. It means to give so much, and get so little back. And no, even tho you want it so badly, he won't be able to call you more often! You have to be the rock, every single day, even tho you need a shoulder to lean on so urgently. But there is none. You have to be strong for these long months. You are so unbelievable far apart, but conquer every single mile with this special love you share. With each and every day he's gone, we get closer to him coming home. We beat some miles every time we can cross another day off the calender. I give everything, all I want to reach each day is making him smile with those lines I write down. I wanna be the one who makes him smile, even when he's thousands of miles away. And all this and so much more is what unconditional love stands for. I can barely get the words right, because they don't explain what we feel or go through.
Be lucky you have your man safe and sound.
Please.
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