The endless journey

Why is it when we get closer to the end it feels even more endless? We take one step forward and two back. We add some days to the countdown. It becomes a dream that seems to never come true. It’s the only wish we have. It’s been long enough now. I really want him home.

It’s getting warmer now outside and it makes me realize it should have an end some point soon. On the other hand, it reminds me of the day he left me. It’s been this nice sunny Sunday I will never forget in my life. It’s slightly turning into spring now and he’s supposed to be home in spring. But will this day really come? My dream seems to be fading. The only wish I have in life is having him back with me. Will my wish come true one day? I’ve been waiting for so long already. It feels like a lifetime. I slightly lose my breath. 

I try to be patient. I try to be understanding and I try to take everything that’s thrown and me with womanly grace. 

There should be a limit of how much we have to take. Why is there no training for the ones left behind at home too? We should be more prepared. I wish I was more prepared. But I am afraid to prepare myself for the worst. I try to take each day as it comes, but all I want is the days to fly by or sleep until he is back with me.

Why is it the only thing you want is feeling like a dream that never comes true? Why are the days sticking like glue when you want them to pass as quick as possible? Well. We have to live a life even when they are away. I know. I know I have to get on with things and I did all the time, because I have to. I have a job I love, I need to concentrate on my exams to get a successful career. But it’s not easy. No one ever said it would be easy. I just want the days to pass, but then I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy every breath I take. But it’s impossible. All I want is having him home with me. I think about him 24/7, whatever I do, wherever I am. 

The worst moment is when you have an amazing dream and then you wake up to reality. No, he’s not home. He’s still away. The hard feeling in my stomach returns and my heart sinks. The touch isn’t real, the kiss is far away. I still can’t smell him. 

Why is it we wait for something so long, we torture ourselves, we go through the worst pain we could ever feel. Why is it the beginning felt easier than the end does? I’ve been waiting five months and I should be lucky it’s nearly done. If I just realize it could be over soon? It will never come around. Never. Well, that’s what it feels like for me. Why do seven months feel like a lifetime when a year just means nothing nowadays? Why is it law that time doesn’t pass when you’re waiting for something great to arrive? Why does he have to do away? I’ve asked questions at the beginning of this deployment and I still ask them now. 

I’ve been told to be lucky that he’s still alive and will come home to me. I wonder how they find the right to tell me? It’s not done yet, it’s not set in stone he comes home.