It's dark and will never dawn

It is always that time in life when you think it can’t get any worse, it does. I always thought, what could be worse than sending the love of your life into a war zone? There’s nothing that could. Oh, how wrong have I been. This should have been our story. Now, this is my story.

Seven long months I waited for his return. Cried and prayed for his safe return. And he came back. He came back. I thought the worst time of my life was behind me. But I was wrong. It just arrived. How ever hard the past months have been, I was okay in the end. I was okay, because I had him. He was far away, but my heart was with him and parts of him were with me, every day, every moment he wasn’t here.

He came back, and I lost him. I couldn’t ever imagine so much pain. I lost him. The love of my life. I waited for him. I did everything for him. And when he came back, I thought I couldn’t be happier. He made me the happiest woman on earth. And then I lost him. I don’t even know how it happened. It just did. The way life ruins everything. What could go wrong, did.

There have been rumours. Everywhere. And he didn’t speak to me. So I believed in them. I did him wrong. Really bad. But I had no choice. At least that’s what I think. I lost the love of my life. Because I have trust issues. I lost all my faith to this war. So there was nothing left for when he came back. Nothing.

Now it is a month ago that he came home. I waited for this time, for so long. And I still cannot understand how this could happen to us. There is no more us. I am numb. Finally. In the beginning, I was bleeding. So badly. It was the worst time in my whole life so far. I lost him. After all that’s happened. I needed a break really bad, but I didn’t get it. I needed him, but I lost him. I lost him. I don’t realize it’s happened, even when I repeat it a thousand times.

I keep dreaming of him. The moment when I wake up is the worst. When I think he is still there. But he’s not.

There’s this overwhelming feeling when I can’t breathe anymore. It comes when I think I am alright, when I least expect it. I can’t breathe, I start to panic, my room turns black. They say it’s anxiety. I don’t know if all this could really have such a bad effect on me in the end. I probably underrated it. I thought I was fine. Apparently, I’m not. There’s probably more influence than I realized.

I’m staring at blank pages, waiting for the slightest way of communication that won’t ever come. I’m staring, all day. I can’t find control of my body. I thought I was numb. Am I? I doubt it. My heart is beating so fast. Too fast. I want it to slow down but it doesn’t. I can’t sleep. I can’t even breathe. And my heart is beating so very fast. I don’t have a clear view. There’s tears in my eyes, sometimes. My mind is a mess. I can’t sort it. Not alone. I need him. I need him to sort my mind out. Because on my own, I don’t understand. I can guess, but it takes me nowhere. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m always tired. My mind is blank. And then again, it’s so full I can’t even think.

He’s everywhere. In my bed, on the calendar, in my books, in the songs I listen to. He’s in my car, in my bathroom. He’s outside in the town, in the streets and shops. I can’t get rid of him. Not even for a second. I have the feeling he will always be in my heart. Where he belongs. But it hurts so much.