There's this antagonism in my life. I'm torn between the hot love I feel for him and the itching hate I have sometimes. No, I don't apologize anymore for sounding harsh or unfair. That's just the way life goes. Life's never fair is it? Not to me, anyways.
I still love him more than anything in the world. And I'm afraid I always will, whatever he's going to do. But sometimes, this feeling goes deep down and I get so upset about things. That he doesn't text. That he doesn't let me know what's happening. That I never know when I'll actually see him next. That he never tells me anything important. I'm fed up with it.
The other day I was thinking proudly, wow I am getting further. I am making little steps. Today, I'm thinking again this ain't gonna work. As much as I want it, it won't work. Do I expect too much? Am I always over reacting? I truly don't know. I just wanna hear from him, be able to speak to him, be part of his life and him being part of mine.
Now again, I haven't properly spoken to him in, what is it, fourish weeks? I might do little steps for a while, feeling alright, sometimes even happy, but then – boom! – it just hits me in the face and I'm back all the way I just came.
As much as I want it to work, I'm afraid it won't. I know he loves me, more than anything, I know very often he just doesn't show it. But is all that enough? I'm thinking of him every second he's not here, but at times like this, I just get upset and teary-eyed.
I'm 21, I shouldn't be living like that. In around nine months, I will finish my apprenticeship. The world's open for me then. Everything that keeps me here is him. And he's hardly around anyways. I will have to pull myself together and think about where I really wanna go, even when it contains missing him even more.
I love him so much, but at the moment I hate him for doing this to me. He's not doing any of this on purpose, no, but I'm sick of excuses. And no, I'm not sorry to say all this. He doesn't show me he appreciates what I did and do. I'm really not expecting much. I did a hell of a lot for him, and I actually expect something back, yes.
No, life's not fair. In fact, life's a bitch. You can be all kind and nice and give all sacrifices for just this one person you think who's worth it and then all you get is a huge kick in the arse for all your pain and hard work.
Thank you! I'm not feeling well, but I will get back on my feet in a bit. It might not be today, not tomorrow, but maybe the day after.
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