Today, a year ago...

We shouldn't dwell on the past. We can't change what happened. But in my eyes, the past makes us who we are. So yes, we should spend some time thinking about the past and about how we would have done things differently or exactly the same we did them.

I was just wandering along in the sunset of a warm summer saturday, when I was thinking that one year ago, I just started to get close with C. I remember that we met again, and really wanted to spend time with each other, when the army called him away for a two weeks exercise to prepare for his afghan deployment. I decided to flicker through my old text messages on my phone. Oh my. Tell me emotional, but yes I started crying. 

A year ago, I had no idea of how much pain would lie in front of me. How much strength I still had to gain. I simply had no clue what it meant to wait these two weeks for him. What it meant to let this happen. How many sacrifices all this would bring. It was simply these two weeks. I waited for C. to get back, and then I had no choice. I already fell for him. If I knew what this first kiss meant, what it was taking, how it turned my life upside down... I'm not saying I regret it. Not at all. But I might of pulled myself together and walked away from him when it was early enough. 

It sounds harsh? Yes. I faced the fears of my life so far already. But then, when I think who I was a year ago, I could not be more grateful that I fell for this man. Not just this deployment and this way of living, but mainly him, his love, and the way we share our feelings make me a better person. Not simply a better woman. But I know I can grow all the strength I need, when I need it. I might not be strong all the time, but when I fall, I get up. 

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

I learned who my friends are. I learned to be able to enjoy time on my own. To get up and do things when I really don't feel like. To open up to people who understand. To take advice. Accepting things I can't change and change the ones I can. 

I learned not to trust anyone. I learned to grow back trust when it's earned. Which is a long long process. Getting back faith when there's no hope left. 

I learned what missing someone means. Really. Our good-byes don't just last till tomorrow. But then, I learned that I love C. more than I could ever miss him. 

Deployments separate the girls from the women. Love can be deployment-proved. But there are not many. 

A year ago, I was a completely different person, woman, friend, daughter, girlfriend, mate, colleague, grandchild, niece, cousin, judoka, designer. I am more self-confident. I do things my way, even when everyone else thinks it's stupid, silly, wrong. It's my way and I do it how I want it. It's my life. I'm 21 now, and I think I learned more in one year than some people learn in their whole lives. WIthout sounding snotty.

I don't wanna be who I was a year ago. I had a year full of pain and sacrifices, tears, screams, wandering minds, horrible imaginations. But then I had a year of amazing feelings not many people are able to have, I experience a true unconditional love that wouldn't be possible without all these scary things.